I used to be a real ad
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Imagine being Bill Gates right now.

Imagine being Bill Gates right now. You spend 30 years of your life and $50 billion of your own dollars supporting humanitarian causes. You directly save hundreds of thousands of lives in South East Asia by providing anti malaria netting to half of a continent, you drop infant mortality rates throughout the entire developing world by funding vaccine programs including vaccinating 40,000,000 children for polio, and, amongst a plethora of philanthropic endeavors, you fund free educational platforms like Khan Academy so people can have free access to high quality education. Then after donating half of your wealth to charity and pledging 90% of the remainder to charity in your will.. Arguably doing more to better life on earth for humanity than any other human being to ever live. You then hop on the internet only to find a million scientifically illiterate fucking imbeciles that are using the very computers you pretty much invented in the first place to call you a child murdering arch villian antichrist because they watched a YouTube video made by some other yokel with the comprehension of a fucking potato.
February 2021

Attention all Smash Bros Gamers, Kirby is in great danger

twitchquotes: Attention all Smash Bros Gamers, Kirby is in great danger, and he needs YOUR help to save all the innocent characters murdered and possessed by Galeem. To do this, he needs a Warp Star and a couple of Maximum Tomatoes. To help him, all he needs is your credit card number, the three numbers on the back, and the expiration month and date. But you gotta be quick so that Kirby can secure the Spirits, and save billions of video game characters you know and love!
twitch chat
February 2019

Super Smash Bros

(โ–€ฬฟฤนฬฏโ”œโ”ฌโ”ดโ”ฌโ”ด Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?

NA REJOICE! UMA JAN IS HERE!

twitchquotes: NA REJOICE! UMA JAN has crossed the ocean to show you the light! UMA JAN will teach you that sidelanes exist! UMA JAN will teach you that you can win a game before 40 minutes! NA REJOICE! UMA JAN IS HERE!
twitch chat
July 2019
Riot Games

League of Legends

My son is learning Twitch speak

twitchquotes: Kripp I need advice. My son watches a lot of you, and he doesnโ€™t speak English but is learning from chat. He's starting using terms like "pog","jabaited", and "kappa,โ€ but its gotten to the point where every sentence is Twitchspeak. At dinner my daughter was talking about how she got accepted to college, and my son said "pog you, easy clap". I told him to talk normally to his family, and he replied "Weird champ, normies omegaLOL." I blacklisted twitch and now my son is hysterical, what to do.
twitch chat
December 2019
Kripp

Just a little longer and i'll be free...

twitchquotes: "Alright, time for a quick bathroom break. Prime it up guys." I say as i take off my headphones. Once i'm out of camera view, i break down. The tears won't stop. "Goddamn it, i can't do this shit anymore." Rania puts her hand on my shoulder, "Just a few more years, then you'll be able to retire." She never understood. She never had to spend the hours playing this fucking card game over and over every night. But she's right, i have to keep going. Just a little longer and i'll be free...
twitch chat
July 2020
Kripp
I used to be a real ad

I am not a simp.

twitchquotes: And I want to say this to the kings in the audience. Iโ€™ve made my mistakes in my chase for coochie. But in all of my years of chad life, I have never simpedโ€“ never simped for a girl. Iโ€™ve earned every bit of cooch. And in all of my years of chad life, I have never paid for the meal. Because people have got to know whether or not Iโ€™m a simp. Well, Iโ€™m not a simp. Iโ€™ve never simped for any girl Iโ€™ve got. I am not a simp.
twitch chat
July 2020

Simps

Fortnite that's how Mafia works

twitchquotes: Fortnite. Fortnite. Fortnite. It was all my two kids talked about. They were utterly devoted to it. I had to make a change. I took the controllers and told them they couldn't play until they downloaded Mafia City. They whined and whined, but soon became engrossed in this amazing and educational game. Fortnite soon forgotten, their grades improved rapidly, much like their levels in game. The teachers were amazed, "how do they do it?" they asked me, I simply replied "that's how Mafia works."
twitch chat
January 2019

Look, kid. You wanna give up?

twitchquotes: Look, ๐Ÿ‘€ kid. ๐Ÿ‘ฆ You ๐Ÿ‘ˆ wanna ๐Ÿ™ˆ give ๐Ÿ‘‰ up? ๐Ÿ”บ Fine. ๐Ÿ‘Œ But ๐Ÿ‘ you ๐Ÿ‘ˆ didn't ๐Ÿšซ get ๐Ÿ”Ÿ here ๐Ÿ‘ by ๐Ÿ˜ˆ giving ๐Ÿ˜˜ up. ๐Ÿ”บ You ๐Ÿ‘ˆ didn't ๐Ÿšซ get ๐Ÿ”Ÿ this ๐Ÿ‘ˆ far ๐ŸŒŒ by ๐Ÿ˜ˆ giving ๐Ÿ˜˜ up. ๐Ÿ”บ You ๐Ÿ‘ˆ didn't ๐Ÿšซ get ๐Ÿ”Ÿ all ๐Ÿ’ฏ these ๐Ÿ‘ˆ followers, fans, admirers, and ๐Ÿ‘ hot ๐Ÿ”ฅ groupies by ๐Ÿ˜ˆ giving ๐Ÿ˜˜ up. ๐Ÿ”บ Don't ๐Ÿšซ give ๐Ÿ‘‰ up. ๐Ÿ”บ You're ๐Ÿ‘‰ the ๐Ÿ‘ champ. You're ๐Ÿ‘‰ the ๐Ÿ‘ boshy.
twitch chat
September 2017
MOONMOON

My mom took away my Xbox

twitchquotes: My mom took away my Xbox. This is the saddest moment in my life. The most pain and unimaginable suffering I have ever felt before. Have I been a bad boy? Is that why she did what she did? I donโ€™t know. I have so many questions. I also have depression because of lack of Xbox. I canโ€™t play Minecraft. I love Minecraft so so much, itโ€™s my favorite game in the entire world. Why would she take such joy and happiness away from me? Does she think I do bad things on there? If so, she should know that I join good Christian Minecraft servers only. Thatโ€™s it.... I give up. I canโ€™t fr*cking take another painful second of this anymore. This torture is what has been depressing me for so long. I swear to h**k, Iโ€™ll get that Xbox back if it kills me.
twitch chat
December 2018

I hate when people refer to orange juice as OJ

I hate when people refer to orange juice as OJ. Why OJ? Do you want to sound cool? Is it so much of a hustle to say orange juice? Do you abbreviate apple juice too? " Hey yeah, let me have some AJ?" - said by no one ever. I just think it sound annoying af. Edit: I don't have any issues with abbreviations, except for OJ as orange juice. Sorry if I offended some of you with sensitive feelings.
May 2022
I used to be a real ad

Need a STEM mind for Rick and Morty

twitchquotes: Teenagers and man children according to who? You? What is your standard? I'm a fan of Rick and Morty, and I've been watching since episode one. Most of my friends who are scientists love the show, because it has a sense of humor and plot lines that you need a STEM mind simply to follow, let alone interpret and appreciate. Most of the people who diss the show are standard literature, philosophy, sociology a business majors who would rather watch shit like The Office or How I Met Your Mother and other shit-tier shows. Get off your high horse
twitch chat
September 2017

Rick and Morty

WHERE IS SODAPOPPIN?

twitchquotes: ใƒฝเผผเบˆู„อœเบˆเผฝ๏พ‰ PANTS ARE DOWN, DICK IS FLOPPIN, WHERE THE FUCK IS SODAPOPPIN ใƒฝเผผเบˆู„อœเบˆเผฝ๏พ‰
twitch chat
May 2019
sodapoppin

I'm Tanner jr. btw!

twitchquotes: Hi Kripp, I just turned 5 years old! My dad says I'm pretty good at this game at that I should watch your stream to learn how not to play bad. He says he stole your high school girlfriend. Oh yeah, I'm Tanner Jr. btw! Nice to meet you!
twitch chat
May 2019
Kripp

Tanner from High School

AITA for ending my marriage over Animal Crossing??

I (65m) and my wife 24(f) have been together for 8 years, married for 4. All my friends are jealous that i was able to score such a hot young woman but itโ€™s starting to cause some problems in our relationship believe it or not. When the pandemic hit, I was very nervous since Iโ€™m not in great health. We decided to buy the Nintendo Switch and play this game called Animal Crossing. I guess itโ€™s popular with the kids? Anywho, we start building this town and everything was fine at first. Then, my wife decides that she wants to remodel the town. No problem. But she starts cutting down all the trees, destroying the cliffs, removing the river, etc... I told her this is out of line. We should respect nature not destroy it. Her answer? It was ugly and she didnโ€™t like to walk the long way around. She also takes all of my hard earned money from fishing and gambles it all away on turnip stocks. Last week she spent 400k on turnips and sold them for 260k. Do you know how many red snappers I need to catch to make that back up? Iโ€™m trying to retire soon and itโ€™s making me think she doesnโ€™t know how to manage money. What really drove me to the breaking point, my best friend Boon is on the island and we really get along. He likes to lift weights, so do I. I log into the game one day and build him a gift. When I try to find him, heโ€™s nowhere to be found... I ask, where is boon? She doesnโ€™t answer. Where is Boon ?? She says โ€œI kicked him off the island, he was annoyingโ€. Reddit, she kicked my best friend off the island without even talking to me. The next day I filed for divorce and kicked her out. Iโ€™m keeping the switch and rebuilding our town. Hopefully Boon comes back. AITA or did I doge a bullet with my sociopathic (ex)wife? Edit: Thank you all for the support and messages over the last 24hrs. Itโ€™s been a wild day but the good news is that after a few hours of island hopping I was able to find Boon and convince him to come back to my island. Seems like things are heading in the right direction.
August 2021

AITA

your streams lately have really helped me

twitchquotes: hey [streamer], your streams lately have really helped me with my depression, bleakness, dejection, distress, sorrow, my car trouble, my 401k, my grades, my slimp dick, my underperforming AMD driver, the armenian genocide, the galloping campaign, the war in the vietnamese, oh god they are in the trees, the battle of antietam, the housing crisis of 2008, the bankruptcy of greece in 2015, the explosion of chernobyl, my late grandma denise
twitch chat
December 2020
I used to be a real ad

Hey! I noticed you used an emoji.

Hey! I noticed you used an emoji. I donโ€™t know if youโ€™re new here, so Iโ€™ll let you off the hook this time. Using emojis is frowned upon here on this great site, and for good reason. Instagram normies often use them, and you donโ€™t want to be a normie, do you? If I catch you using an emoji in the future, Iโ€™ll be forced to issue a downvote to your comment. Why should you care, you may ask? Well to begin, you will lose karma on your account, which is a useful social status tool and also a way to show others you know your way around Reddit. If you were to continue the use of emojis, I would be forced to privately message you about your slip-up. Any further offenses past that would leave me no other option than to report your account. I donโ€™t think I have to explain why you donโ€™t want that. But anyways, no harm done yet! Follow these simple rules and youโ€™ll enjoy your future on Reddit! Have a blessed (and hopefully emoji-free) day, stranger.
April 2022

Kripp BMs an opponent in Hearthstone

twitchquotes: Hey guys, I want to tell you about a terrible experience I had. I'm a 12 year old boy, I'm quite a nice guy but I've had a rough time lately. My dad left us a few years ago and my mom beats me. I'm very shy and I am bullied at school. Anyways, I played Hearthstone to take my mind of all this stuff. I played Kripp and he said I was a "Mind-blowingly bad hunter", "This guy is a garbage human being", and he said that I'm "a super shit person". He hated me so much and this makes me very sad. :(
twitch chat
July 2019
Kripp

Hearthstone

Is this chat filled with parrots?

twitchquotes: Is this chat filled with parrots? All you guys do is copy what the person above you wrote. Please have some originality and contribute to a smarter chat.
twitch chat
August 2014

I hate Twitch Chat

it's okay take monday off

twitchquotes: It's ok [insert streamer name], take off monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october, november, december. 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2023, 21st century, 22nd century, 23rd century off. you work too hard. :)
twitch chat
September 2020
Waiting for adblock to be disabled

ZULUL RUNNING LOW ON COMMANDOS

twitchquotes: ALO ALO ๐Ÿ“ž ZULUL RUNNING LOW ON COMMANDOS ๐Ÿ“ž ZULUL NEED BACKUP ๐Ÿ“ž ZULUL VI VON ๐Ÿ“ž ZULUL
twitch chat
July 2019
Text-to-Speech Playing