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Arrested for Navy Seal copypasta

I've mentioned this a lot before, but one of my best friends from back home was arrested, jailed for three months, and sentenced to 2 years probation for sending someone the Navy Seal copypasta on Facebook. As of today, he is FINALLY legally allowed to be online again.
February 2019

Navy Seal

Yeah I'm a virgin, so what?

Yeah I'm a virgin, so what? I'm waiting for the "right one", there's nothing wrong with that. Just because I'm 36 doesn't make it "weird" or make me a "loser". I have standards. I'm not going to give away my state of chastity to some bar/club "whore"; that's just not the kind of guy I am. I require a REAL women that will hold and care for me gently, and who can, above all else, love me for who I am. Once I find that person, I'll happily donate my virginity away. Until then, I am fine being a virgin. Besides, I have a fleshlight, so it's not like I don't know how it feels anyway. Maybe one day you immature keyboard cretins will understand that life isn't about just having sex for the accomplishment, it's about love and finding the "one" to share that experience with.
September 2021
Waiting for adblock to be disabled

Sleeping in bed with your parents

twitchquotes: Question for those in chat: Let's say you are sleeping in bed with your parents. You are in the middle. You wake up and want to get up, but you notice that you are partially inserted into your mom and your dad is partially inserted into you and they are still asleep. Which way do you thrust to get out?
twitch chat
November 2019

To the conservative suburban woman behind me in line at Subway yesterday:

To the conservative suburban woman behind me in line at Subway yesterday: I’m sorry I kept referring to Fred’s liberally mayo’d oven-roasted chicken sub as a “bukkake special”. I’m sorry that you kept demanding that your teenage son explain why he was laughing so hard. I’m extra sorry that this turn of events led you to practically yelling “ETHAN, WHAT IS A BUKKAKE SPECIAL?” in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
August 2021

Hello Kripp this is Saul Goodman

twitchquotes: ʜᴇʟʟᴏ ᴋʀɪᴘᴘ ᴛʜɪs ɪs sᴀᴜʟ ɢᴏᴏᴅᴍᴀɴ. ɪ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ɪɴғᴏʀᴍᴇᴅ ʙʏ ᴇᴅᴅʏ ᴘᴀsᴛᴇʀɪɴᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ sᴛʀᴇᴀᴍɪɴɢ ɪʟʟᴇɢᴀʟ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ғʀᴏᴍ ʏᴏᴜʀ sᴇᴄʀᴇᴛ ʙᴀsᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪɴ ɢʀᴇᴇᴄᴇ. ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀs ᴍʏ ᴄʟɪᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴛᴇᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴄᴏᴜʀᴛ ғʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ғɪʟᴛʜʏ ᴅᴏɴɢᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ᴘʀᴏsᴛᴇʀɪɴᴏs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀᴄᴄᴜsᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ.
twitch chat
October 2014
Kripp
What happened to this ad? :(

Do you have I even?

twitchquotes: You know how I can be found at a time when you are get to the day before my eyes and I love it so hard for you and you are so a good time waster but it was not the best same as a whole new bunch if it is the only way I am a little more of time
twitch chat
December 2014
Forsen

Cheerio Kripp, this is Nigel from Yogurtcast

twitchquotes: Cheerio Kripp, this is Nigel from Yogurtcast. Oliver and I have some smashing news for you! Your casual playstyle, and ability to endure childrens videogames makes you a proper candidate for the splendid world of Minecraft commentary! Tally ho!
twitch chat
May 2015
Kripp

My donger is half my age

twitchquotes: ◕ ͜ ʖ ͡ ͡◕ ɪ ᴍ**ᴛᴜʀʙᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ɴɪᴠᴇᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴡ ᴍʏ ᴅᴏɴɢᴇʀ ɪs ʜᴀʟғ ᴍʏ ᴀɢᴇ ͡◕ ͜ ʖ ͡ ͡◕
twitch chat
November 2014
Kripp

Pleb

twitchquotes: “Pleb” is a shorthand for the English noun “plebeian,” an outdated term which originally referred to a commoner belonging to a lower socioeconomic class in ancient Rome. Online, the term has been often used as a pejorative label for someone who is considered unsophisticated or uncultured, or a person that can be compared as poor to the speaker.
twitch chat
May 2015
Trump

Krippler and the Donger people

twitchquotes: Krippler's aim is to establish a New Order of absolute Nazi German hegemony in the Twitch Metaverse. To this end, his foreign and domestic policies had the aim of seizing Lebensraum ("living space") for the Donger people. Under Krippler's rule, in 1941 German forces and their European allies occupied most of Europe and North Africa.
twitch chat
March 2014
Kripp
What happened to this ad? :(

Kripp's wife Hafu and future son Dennis Morosan

twitchquotes: hello kripp, I am from the future. I am best friends with your son, Dennis Morosan. Your wife, Hafu, sent me to tell you Well Met and to message her how much you value penguins and OJ
twitch chat
March 2014
Kripp

Kripp discovered one weird trick to look twice his age

twitchquotes: Kripp is the remarkable twenty year old that discovered one weird trick to look twice his age. It's called being VEGAN and it limits your body’s nutritional intake and makes you look and feel TWICE AS OLD. Why would anyone want to be vegan you may ask, well all vegans hate animals so they eat all the animals food so that they starve to death.
twitch chat
January 2015
Kripp

Ingrid Newkirk, leader of the largest animal rights group

twitchquotes: Ingrid Newkirk here,leader of the largest animal rights group,PETA.How DARE you soil that innocent dog's ears with the word "weiner" and "Dolly"?That's like excessively cursing at a newborn.The cops should be there soon.Bye.
twitch chat
November 2014
imaqtpie

What is Tides' favorite class?

twitchquotes: What is Tides' favorite class? Rogue of course! it has the backstabs (like tides backstabing reynad) and the betrayals (like tides betraying reynad) and the conceals (like tides true intentions)
twitch chat
November 2014
Reynad

Artosis is glad Kripp is joining the way of the sellout

twitchquotes: WELL MET KRIPP, IT'S ME ARTOSIS. I'M GLAD YOU'RE JOINING THE WAY OF THE SELLOUT.
twitch chat
September 2014
Kripp
I used to be a real ad

All is then right with the world

twitchquotes: Maybe his long Journey away from the evil drug that is Hearthstone has brought moral clarity to his life. Kripp rises up and breaks away from the shackles the succubus has locked Kripp in. Papaparrian holds the key and sets Kripp's mind free. He swears to never go back to Greece or play Hearthstone ever again. Kripp moves back in with Papa and finally gets his OJ sponsorship. The beautifully creamy wall is vibrant as Kripp uploads his newest video in the old wonderland. "Hey guys how's it going, Kripparian here." Kripp starts up PoE again in anticipation of the new expansion being released, theory crafting builds. He is happy and filled with life each day of streaming. All is then right with the world.
twitch chat
August 2014
Kripp

We subbed because we have cash, non-subs are trash

twitchquotes: Hey you poor, underaged trash. You know what the symbol next to my name means? Means I am sub. Means im VIP. Means I got cash. What you got? You got sh!t. You poor non-sub trash ought to pay me and my sub-bros some respect. We subbed because we have cash. Real life jobs, real life credit
twitch chat
August 2014
Kripp

RENGER needs to be BANNED. YOU do NOT want to catch A BOLA

twitchquotes: You all should be aware of this great danger going on. From now on RENGAR needs to be banned in every game you play. YOU do NOT want to catch A BOLA
twitch chat
October 2014
imaqtpie

I hardly ever watch twitch anymore

twitchquotes: I hardly ever watch twitch anymore, and it’s mostly because of cringe chat. All you do is copy and paste the same things or constantly repeat the same stupid emotes in response to everything. So predictable and annoying
twitch chat
September 2020
I used to be a real ad

Giant Douche

twitchquotes: If Reynad was a Hearthstone card he'd be a Giant Douche
twitch chat
March 2014
Reynad
Text-to-Speech Playing