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Christmas for a wsb trader

As the tree blinks from white to red to green, you look at the void under the tree that previously held presents. Fewer this year than usual, but some. How did you get here? Boredom? In March, you felt trapped with your wife and infant. You needed something to pass the time. Something you could throw yourself into fully. “Are you coming to bed?” your wife yells down the stairs. It seemed harmless at first, but as the pandemic drew on, so did your investment. You’ll stop soon, though. “Soon!” you reply, and you hear her feet climb the steps. The lights start to blink chaotically. You cringe because you could only afford the junk strands at CVS. Suddenly they halt—the alternation feature broken—on red. The red fills the room and covers your flesh. You look down at your hands, and they look like they’re bleeding. Like your calls. After a time—hours?—you realize you’re sitting in complete darkness. Your lights have expired, worthless.
December 2020

WallStreetBets

Jarnitro's message to Kripp

twitchquotes: Dearest Kripparian, Jarnitro here. I am so confudido about how i lost that game. Please use your masterino of top deckarino to teach me how to win this game. I will be your fettucinni pepperoni boy forever.
twitch chat
March 2014
Kripp

Hearthstone

I used to be a real ad

This guy's chat is CRAZY!

twitchquotes: ☑ “This guy's chat is CRAZY!” ☑ “My mind can't bear seeing retards like that” ☑ "He NEEDED precisely those two copypastas to infuriate me" ☑ “He pasted the only ASCII that could annoy me” ☑ "He used the perfect emotes" ☑ “There was nothing I could do but ignore” ☑ “I copied that perfectly"
twitch chat
November 2014

This Copypasta Is CRAZY!

YOLO

twitchquotes: Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ
twitch chat
May 2014
Reynad

Hey what's up kripp, it's jeremy your neighbor!

twitchquotes: Hey what's up kripp, it's jeremy your neighbor! I see you're in the office again and playing animated poker - hope everythings well with the wife and garden. Say that lawnmower you borrowed last month; I was wondering when I could expect that back because I noticed your lawn was trimmed no less than three weeks ago but you have yet to bring back my mower. Anyhow , could use that mower. Just checking in but it would be great if I could get that mower back. Thanks again.
twitch chat
March 2018
Kripp
I used to be a real ad

Hey Kripp, how's it going, totemic might here

twitchquotes: ◥█̆◤ Hey Kripp, how's it going, totemic might here. I would just like to ask if you would build a totemic might deck where you use your totem and make it mighty for 0 mana. Thanks!◥█̆◤
twitch chat
January 2015
Kripp

PC vs console youtube comment

Says the poor brainless console peasant. No mods, no money to achieve high performance, no creativity to set up your own devices. Calling me pathetic lol, I actually work and gather money for Gaming PC whilst you console peasants probably beg to your parents for buying you a console. So tell me, have you been a good brat by doing house chores?
June 2021

Hello Forsen, I am a 32 year old Ecuadorian national

twitchquotes: Hello Forsen I am a 32 year old Ecuadorian national who is stuck in the US after Reynad refused to pay my airfare home. I need you and your stream to please help me get home to my wife and kid it has been 1 year since my departure and I very much would like to see them again. Kappa
twitch chat
November 2014
Forsen

Welcome to the $5 strip club

twitchquotes: So I went to a Strip Club in Greece the other night and guess who i saw there. It was the Kripp with hundreds of 5 dollar bills. So the Stripper goes in a hot pose, Kripp smiles and pours himself a glass of OJ. Kripp said "Welcome to the 5 Dollar Club" and they went into a private room. Not sure what .happened then but i guess he gave her a brofist.
twitch chat
October 2014
Kripp

Hey Kripp, Art of Conquest developer here

twitchquotes: Hey Kripp, Art of Conquest developer here. Just sending this message to make sure you are promoting our game via the fake questions we send you. Please answer two or three every hour. Make sure to only talk positive about our game otherwise you won't be getting your payment. Any violation of our terms and you can say goodbye to your sponsorship.Have a nice day! :)
twitch chat
June 2017
Kripp
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?

I have given in to the copy pasterino

twitchquotes: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I have given in to the copy pasterino. From now on I will devote myself to replicating every text, every word so that it may live on forever and fill the hearts and souls of our fellow copy pasterino's! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
twitch chat
November 2014
Forsen

where were u wen Melon Captol die (GameStop short squeeze)

apolgy for bad english where were u wen Melon Captol die i was at Gamestock buying Ps5 when phone ring "Melon is kil" “yes”
January 2021

WallStreetBets

The Picture

twitchquotes: Hi Kripp, Micheal here. Yes, your highschool boyfriend. I still have our private picture. "The picture". If you dont want this to be posted on internet - send me your cat.
twitch chat
November 2014
Kripp

Lord Microsoft

10:43 PM, Microsoft Tower, Washington. A figure stands in shadow, red lights from the theistic ceiling flood the spacious hall. Along the sides, hallmark pieces of technology are proudly displayed on golden pedestals. The Xbox, Windows, Hololens; At the center of it all, the vaccine. "Microsoft Microbe Covid-19" the label on the syringe reads. A glowing substance can be seen sitting still inside. Monitors flicker to life at the end of the hall, each one showing the point of view of an innocent civilian. The light draws a silhouette of a man. His body, frail. His skin is leathery and rugged. Breathing apparatus cover his face, a cold green mist slowly spewing out. The grand door opens, humanoids armed with weapons drag an unkempt and furious man towards the being in shadow. They throw him to the floor, spit slathering the ground. "This is the last one?" the figure asks. "Yes, Lord Microsoft. all 4,607,423,673 other citizens have been accounted for." The rugged man looks upwards, his face bloodied and bruised. His eyes meet Lord Microsoft's. Puffed from tears, his eyes can only show one emotion: anger. "Bill Gates, you piece of shit. I swore to Samantha that if I ever-" "Silence, creature!" Lord Microsoft slaps him with the back of his hand. "I am lord Microsoft, and you will refer to me as such!" The guards grab the man, hoisting him up. "Now, let us delay no further. It has taken me years to get to this point, and I will not have my victory denied!" Lord Microsoft grabs the vaccine and primes it for injection. "Such a small thing, isn't it? Yet, it has afforded me the right to dominate all life on Earth. Covid was a blessing, not a curse." The man's eyes widened, he screams in retaliation, but the guards shut his mouth with force. Lord Microsoft pierces his flesh with the needle. A flourescent orange liquid can be seen coursing through his veins. He falls to the floor, his muscles tightening and constricting in unnatural fashion. His eyes bulge from his skull and he shouts in pain. He slumps over, and in only a moment he comes back to his feet. His pupils dilated and his skin, pale. "How may I serve you, my lord."
August 2021

COVID

Coronavirus

Spam this skull for I forgor

twitchquotes: 💀 spam 💀 this 💀 skull 💀 for 💀 i 💀 forgor 💀
twitch chat
October 2021

Rhyme Chant

I forgor

(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?

So that was a bruh moment

twitchquotes: She said she was “pregnant,” but I wasn’t buying that. I knew she had gas, and a lot of it. I knew that, if properly coaxed out, she had to potential for the greatest fart *EVER*. So one night I walked into her room and slowly approached her belly, and with my entire weight, I performed the greatest pile driver I have ever done. But instead of the thunderous sound expected, I heard a squish sound. Turns out she was pregnant. So that was a bruh moment.
twitch chat
November 2020

Darshan the mashtomp

twitchquotes: HELLO cutie it's Darshan the mashtomp and i want to get back into DIG. Even though I don't eat meat i will gladly suck yours for us to DUO REUNITE. I will even get scarra "gragas" wukong to join. Love, Darshan marshan of the il larshan kaperino no fettuchini pastrino
twitch chat
December 2014
imaqtpie

Kaceytron's Porn Producer

twitchquotes: KACEYTRON, HERE'S YOUR PORN PRODUCER CALLING YOU OUT! I COULDN'T REACH YOU ON PORNHUB OR BRAZZERS, SO I'M CALLING YOU OUT HERE ON THE TWITCH CHAT, HOPE YOU DON'T MIND! WE JUST SCHEDULED A NEW MOVIE CALLED "KING DONGER" YOU'LL BE THE MAIN STAR ALONG WITH BEN D'OVER AND KINKY KONG! COME OVER TOMORROW AT 12PM, WE START PRODUCTION AT THAT HOUR. IF YOU DO WELL, YOU'LL HAVE AN EXTRA. <3 XOXO
twitch chat
June 2014
Kaceytron

K3soju dating FIRST or EIF

twitchquotes: K3soju met that cute girl. They talked a lot, she seemed perfect. Caring, funny and also unbelievably pretty. He felt that she is the one for him. Once, during their long night conversation, he asked her how many boyfriends she had before him. She said - only one. Michael got furious. "There's no way. I'm not playing for second! I'm FIRST or EIF" Then he muted her and never met her again.
twitch chat
January 2022
k3soju
I used to be a real ad

Hi I 15 year old somalian rhinoceros

twitchquotes: BibleThump hi I 15 year old somalian rhinoceros i need surgery for gud horn pls send money to my owner nigerian prince pls no pasterino my story BibleThump
twitch chat
August 2015
Reynad
Text-to-Speech Playing