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Am I The Asshole for not being able to trade options for my dad? Iโ€™m 6.

This started about 4 years ago when I was 2 years old. My dad started to supplement me picture books and cartoons with beginner options books and Martin Shkerli's live videos on how to pick pharmaceutical stocks. Over the course of these years I have retained absolutely nothing even though my dad has spent every waking minute trying to make me understand. He has done almost everything including having Jerome Powell's speeches play while I am sleeping and only having Warren Buffet on the TV to try and make me understand the market. Yesterday, he got to a breaking point when I couldn't differentiate between a straddle and a strangle even though we went through different strategies for almost a month straight. My dad finally convinced my mom that they were doing the right thing when he said that I will soon be a Wendy's worker begging my wife's husband for a weekly allowance because I will never amount to be anything. He couldn't fathom raising a kid who was not able to able to make a profit from trading options by the time he was 10. With all that said, if anyone wants a 6 year old child who is shitty at market strategy, plz adopt me from Eternal Sunny Orphanage in Omaha, Nebraska.
September 2021

WallStreetBets

Am I The Asshole?

Hot Twitch streamers are just not good for my health

Her streams are just not good for my health. She is so hot I skip every stage and go straight to post nut clarity, then I get a deep feeling of loneliness and dread. I just don't know what to do with myself and everything seems pointless.
December 2021

Coomer

I used to be a real ad

Jeff Bezos could give every person 1 BILLION dollars

Jeff Bezos has 121 BILLION dollars. The population of earth is 7 billion people. He could give every person 1 BILLION dollars and end poverty, and he would still have 114 billion dollars left over but he wond do it. This is what capitalist greed looks like!
October 2020

I think I'm addicted to settings

God, I fucking love the settings app. I can't stop fucking changing the text size and checking for the new system update. God, the little slider icon turns me on so much. Whenever there is a system update I cry because I can't go on settings again. My screen time shows 107 hours of settings a day, which isn't even fucking possible.
August 2021

AITA For banning my sister from my wedding since she won't follow the dress code?

Hello Reddit UWU my name is fox chan nya~ ๐ŸฆŠ and this September I'm getting married (wiggles tail in excitement) ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ I'm getting married next week to my alpha horse wolf Shadow Senpai ๐Ÿด๐Ÿบ๐Ÿฅฐ. The dress code is animal themed but my sister won't do it. She's Vagen๐Ÿ˜ณ and thinks it's bad (cries cutely while Mozart's Symphony No. 40 in G minor plays)๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽผโ™ซ๐ŸŽค (eyes turn red like demon, but not like demon) I want to not invite her ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿคฌ๐Ÿ˜ˆ AITA?
September 2021

Am I The Asshole?

(โ–€ฬฟฤนฬฏโ”œโ”ฌโ”ดโ”ฌโ”ด Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?

xQc juicer fanfic

twitchquotes: Felix starts to notice my eyes are welling up with tears, he sits up quickly. "Oh nyooo, why are you crying?" He rubbed my tears away. "Maybe let's sleep. Can we talk in the morning?" I went silent and hugged him tight. I agreed to talk in the morning over breakfast. I climbed off of him and told him I was going to shower, he followed to the bathroom and undressed with me. "Oh is that right?" I asked him. He smiled and kissed my neck, we both climbed into the shower and didn't really talk much. We kinda just stared at each other and smiled. He kissed me a few times wile rubbing what he kept calling my "juicers". Apparently I have some nice "juicers"? What is all this juice talk, it is killing me so bad. He is so funny.
twitch chat
September 2021
xQcOW

AITA for invading Ukraine?

Using my alt account because of personal reasons. So anyway, I[69M(literally)] am a high government official of a country with a strong military. Anyway, I am clinically diagnosed with Invasiontia[for anyone who doesn't know it's meaning, it basically means my mind forces me to invade countries, very few people are diagnosed with it(like Adolf Hitler), so i guess it makes me quirky uwu], so i really can't be the one to blame. I do what i like, usually, but people often judge me for living my life on my own terms. My distant relative, who has a history of playing fortnite and being antivax, being a furry, pedophile, and being a baby yoda hater called me today and abused me verbally, and told me what i was doing was wrong. I was heartbroken by their words. Not only that, Emily[She/They 13 diagnosed with 255 mental illnesses] made a really mean tweet against me today. She compared me to Hitler (I know Hitler and I have the same mental illness, but it doesn't mean I am as much of an asshole like he is, right?). All this negativity is severely affecting my mental health(i come from a country where mental health isn't given a lot of importance and also my country isn't very supportive of gay people), and i am now contemplating suicide by shooting myself in the head. Everyone thinks i am an asshole, what do you think reddit? AITA?
March 2022

Am I The Asshole?

Russian Ukrainian War

โ€‹โ€‹I've seen Tenz play, he doesn't even use a monitor

twitchquotes: โ€‹โ€‹I've seen Tenz play, he doesn't even use a monitor. He visualizes the map in a detailed rendering, completely in his mind. He has a biological wallhack; his godlike perception highlights all enemies within light-years. His eyes are closed as his mouse gracefully swerves across the table, making immaculate twitches as he flicks from head to head. The bullets that escape his gun barrel are surgical; each making a deadly strike in between his opponent's eyes. His spray control is otherworldly, his crosshair erratically jolting across the screen as his wrist muscles perfectly predict the next bullet's location. Time literally stops as he peeks, sunlight curving as his trigger finger impacts his left mouse button, sending enemies to a digital shadow realm before they even know what happened. He is un-killable. He is undefeatable. This "man" is the epitome of eternal.
twitch chat
June 2021
TenZ

Valorant

day in the life of a cs pro

day in the life of a cs pro: 1. wake up 6am 2. finish tournament at midnight 3. brush teeth and eat breakfast 4. Sleep while 1==1: loop()
May 2021

CSGO

Flareon is better than Vaporeon for human companionship

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
March 2022

Pokemon

I used to be a real ad

Among Us pick up lines

Thankful to have you as a crewmateโ€ฆ but do you want to add a letter and become screwmates instead? Hey, are you one of my tasks? Because I really want to do you. Hey, are you a vent? Because Iโ€™m the imposter and Iโ€™d love to come in you. I have a lot of tasks to complete still, but Iโ€™d love to do you first. Hey, call me the MedBayโ€ฆ because Iโ€™d love to scan your body. Figuring out the imposter is hardโ€ฆ. but Iโ€™ve got something harder. Iโ€™m jealous of your hatโ€ฆ Because it gets to be on you. Hey are you busy later? Because Iโ€™d love to explore your lower engine. Hey, youโ€™re done your tasks right? Wanna come explore my cockpit then? If youโ€™re the imposter, Iโ€™d love to be the ventโ€ฆ That way you can come inside me whenever you want. Damn, I wish you were a taskโ€ฆ Because Iโ€™d have no problem doing you and over and over. Hey did you just kill me? Because Iโ€™ve got a big bone sticking out nowโ€ฆ
April 2022

Among Us / Amogus

NFT Navy Seal Copypasta

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little pirate? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class at Full Sail University, and I've been involved in numerous secret Photoshop files, and I have over 300 confirmed NFTs. I am trained in gorilla artwork and I'm the top artist in the entire US armed artists. You are nothing to me but just another pirate. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of discord servers across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can turn you into an NFT in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed brushstrokes, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States NFT Corps and I will use it to its full extent to stomp your miserable ass directly into the blockchain, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit paint all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
December 2021

NFTs

Cryptocurrency

Navy Seal

You guys need to remove the American flags from the courtroom in NoPixel

You guys ๐Ÿ‘จ need to remove โŒ the American flags ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ and seals from the courtroom ๐Ÿ‘จ โš–๏ธ in nopixel. your idea of court ๐Ÿ‘ฉ โš–๏ธ does not represent the American ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ judicial system at all and serves only as propaganda ๐Ÿง and is perverting the sense of the judicial system to impressionable youth ๐Ÿ‘ถ . to protect yourselves ๐Ÿฉน you should probably fix ๐Ÿ”จ it before it becomes an actual legal problem just a heads up ๐Ÿ‘จ ๐Ÿ†™ considering you guys are European ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡บ
December 2021

GTA RP

Discord mod warning

Please DO NOT announce to the server when you are going to masturbate. This has been a reoccurring issue, and Iโ€™m not sure why some people have such under developed social skills that they think that a server full of mostly male strangers would need to know that. No one is going to be impressed and give you a high five (especially considering where that hand has been). I donโ€™t want to add this to the rules, since it would be embarrassing for new users to see that we have a problem with this, but it is going to be enforced as a rule from now on. If it occurs, you will be warned, then additional occurrences will be dealt with at the discretion of modstaff. Thanks.
March 2022

Discord

๐Ÿ‘…HAPPY NEW YEARS SLUTS ๐Ÿ†

๐Ÿ‘ฏhey SlutS! ๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ’… Now that we got our yearly ๐ŸŽ FUCK ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿผfrom good ole Saint DICK ๐ŸŽ…๐Ÿพ itโ€™s FINALLY New Years Eve!!!๐Ÿ—“๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘… 2๏ธโƒฃ0๏ธโƒฃ2๏ธโƒฃ0๏ธโƒฃ was a LONGG ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ† and HARD ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŠ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜ซ year.... we laughed๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ We cried ๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ‘Ž We coughed ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿค’๐Ÿคง we fucked GOOD๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป dick๐Ÿ† and ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜ตBAD ๐Ÿ˜” dick, ๐Ÿ˜ซ BUTT ๐Ÿ‘ now letโ€™s ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Celebrate ๐Ÿ™Œ๐ŸŽ‰ and watch that ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ†BIG ๐Ÿ‘… BALL ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ Drop ๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿ‘„ on us! ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿ’ƒ So spread ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ those ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ legs ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ and count down โฌ‡๏ธ from ๐Ÿ”Ÿ until your man ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿพ pops ๐ŸŽ‰ his CORK ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿพ into that thirsty ๐Ÿ‘…thirsty ๐Ÿ‘… hole! ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ Send this to 2๏ธโƒฃ1๏ธโƒฃ COCK-BEGGING โœŠ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ† WHORES to get BUTTFUCKED ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜ฑ for the next 3๏ธโƒฃ6๏ธโƒฃ5๏ธโƒฃ days ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
August 2021

Emoji Pasta

New Years

Holiday Emoji

NSFW

Holiday

I used to be a real ad

Hey, I noticed you were a female

Hello, I noticed you have a profile picture of a very beautiful (but also intelligent looking!) female, and I am under the presumption that this goddess is you? It is quite astonishing to see a female here in the Pakistan Official discord. I am quite popular around here in this server, so if you require guidance, please throw me a mention. I will assist you at any hour, day or night. And, before you are mistaken, I do not seek your hand in a romantic way; although I am not opposed in the event you are interested in me, as many women often are. I am a man of standard, and I do not bow to just any female that comes my way, unlike my peers... So rest assured that I will not be in the way of your gaming and socializing experience. Consider me a Player 2.. a companion, a partner, and perhaps we can enjoy some video games together some time. I see you play mini games? I am a mini-game aficionado, so I would be happy to assist you in games. Platonically of course, unless you (like many others) change your mind on that. I look forward to our future together (as friends of course.)
May 2021

Simps

So as joke, I fucked my friend in a Joseph Stalin cosplay

So as a joke, I went to my friend's house wearing Joseph Stalin's mustache and clothes. I could barely stop my laughter as he went as red as the Soviet flag and looked at me from head to toe with a bit of drool in his mouth. The way he stared made made feel a bit funny too, but I decided to tease him more by taking off my clothes. He asked me, "Are you serious?" and I said "Yes,comrade." He went silent for what seemed like forever, so I asked him, "What's the matter,comrade?" He said he's confused, but then his boner got really hard, which made me take off his clothes. I expected him to scream, "Stop!" as I kissed him and stroked his cock, but he instead shouted "Not a step back!" which made me get a boner myself. Before I knew it, I was blowing him for the first time till he came. His semen was so thick, it got stuck inside my throat no matter how hard I swallowed. He then said, "I want to fuck you now!" and seeing that we've already gone that far and we were both naked, I obliged. A few hours later, the jerk went all pale and said to me "Why did we do that? Now I'm not fucking straight." But he still looked so cute all confused like that, so I took pity on him and reassured while wiping his cum off my face, "Let's just pretend I'ms till Joseph Stalin."
September 2021

NSFW

So as a joke, I fucked my friend in a trollface cosplay

So as a joke, I went to my friend's house wearing a trollface mask and black morph suit. I could barely stop my laughter as he went as red as your mother (after I have sexual intercourse with her) and looked at me from head to toe with a bit of drool in his mouth. The way he stared made me feel a bit funny too, but I decided to tease him more by taking off my morph suit. He asked me, "Are you serious?" and I said "Cover yourself in oil." He went silent for what seemed like forever, so I asked him, "You mad bro?" He said he's confused, but then his boner got really hard, which made me take off his clothes. I expected him to scream, "Stop!" as I kissed him and stroked his cock, but he instead shouted "We do a little trolling!" which made me get a boner myself. Before I knew it, I was blowing him for the first time till he came. His semen was so thick, it got stuck inside my throat no matter how hard I swallowed. He then said, "I want to fuck you now!" and seeing that we've already gone that far and we were both naked, I obliged. A few hours later, the jerk went all pale and said to me "Why did we do that? Now I'm not fucking straight." But he still looked so cute all confused like that, so I took pity on him and reassured while wiping his cum off my face, "Let's just pretend I'm still Trollface."
September 2021

NSFW

Time to get ready for big daddy HOE Biden

The results ๐Ÿ“ˆare in and our gurl ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป sanders is out ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ. Time to get ready for big daddy HOE Biden. He's cumming ๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿ’ฆ to DOMINATE๐Ÿคผโ€โ™‚๏ธ our HEAD of state ๐ŸŠ and his bitch๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ mike pence. He may be a donkey but he's big as a horse ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿด and is ready to touch ๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿคซ๐Ÿ˜ˆ the hearts ๐Ÿ’žof all Americans ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ. Cum erection day ๐Ÿ—ณ y'all sluts better fill that hole ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Œ next to biden and relaseโœŠ America's aching ๐Ÿคคthrobbing ๐Ÿ˜ฎ desire for green ๐Ÿค‘๐Ÿค‘energy, a ban ๐Ÿ›‘on those naughty big black guns๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿพ, and more money to pay๐Ÿ’ต๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿ’ธ those slutty nurses ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ to make us all feel better ๐Ÿ‘„๐Ÿฅด. Cum ๐Ÿ’ฆ hoevember help the needy ๐Ÿ‘…๐ŸงŽ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ by supporting big daddy Biden ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿฆณand naughty Nancy๐Ÿ’โ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ and give dirty Donald ๐ŸŽฉ, bitch McConnell ๐Ÿข, and those filthy ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ reSUBlicans๐Ÿ˜ blue balls๐Ÿ”ต. Send to ๐Ÿ”Ÿ of your most deviant ๐Ÿ˜ˆdemocrats. If you get 5๏ธโƒฃback ur a Biden bitch ๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ต. if u get ๐Ÿ”Ÿ u will spend a hot ๐Ÿ”ฅ Decemberโ›„๏ธnight with those skanks at the ERECToral ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ† college ๐Ÿ›.)
May 2022

Emoji Pasta

Politics

Joe Biden

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Mr Bear song (that's where your hopes go to die)

Well There's all sorts of creatures, down on Dangley Doodle Farm. Like wise old Mr Octopus, with way too many arms! There's Mr Pig! And Mr Cow! They're always in good moods. But That's cause they don't know they'll soon be sliced up into food! Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's where your hopes go to turn into despair. Mr Bear! What's That over there? That's where your dreams go to die! Mr Racoon! Wants to go to the moon. He'll end up as a bus driver soon! Mr Porcupine! Thinks he'll read the news at nine, he'll end up as a janitor, who stinks of turpentine. Mr Tiny Mouse! Thought he'd own a massive house. Ended up in a bed sit where he can't control the louse! Mr Horse! Though he'd go into professional sports. Now he's an alcoholic and he's on his third divorce! Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's the place your life becomes an endless questionnaire! Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's where your hopes go to die. Lower your expectations! Maybe you could get a job in telecommunications. No matter how you try you'll never reach the League of Nations. The best you'll get is middle rank in trading operations! So lower your expectations! You'll never win an oscar, so there's no congratulations. The future that is coming will not meet specifications. And no amount of visualisations will save you from your own deterioration Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's the tramp who thought he'd be a multimillionaire! Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's where self-esteem goes to die. Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's the disappointment that is waiting everywhere! Mr Bear! What's that over there? That's where your schemes go to die! That's where your dreams go to die! That's where dreams go to die!
April 2022
Text-to-Speech Playing