[Copypasta] Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

There once was a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
August 2021
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)

I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
January 2021

Classic

WallStreetBets

Peter Griffin Brian Griffin face swap

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣤⠤⠤⣤⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡠⠚⢳⠖⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠱⠖⠉⠳⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⡸⠁⠀⠈⣠⠤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⡀⠀⢠⠀⠀⠸⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⢀⡜⠀⣤⠀⢱⠤⢤⡎⠁⡀⠈⣦⢼⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠲⡾⠻⣄⣀⡴⠚⠃⠀⢧⡀⠁⣀⠏⠘⠦⢴⡞⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⠎⠀⠀⢀⠉⢧⣀⣀⣠⠇⠉⠉⣅⠀⠀⠀⠈⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⡎⠀⠀⢠⡋⠓⠒⠶⠶⠒⠒⠚⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠰⡇⠀⠀⠀⢱⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢇⠀⠀⡔⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢆⠘⣇⠀⠀⢀⣄⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡗⠎⠙⠋⠁⠈⠓⠲⠒⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣷⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣠⣴⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⣀⠴⠊⠙⢿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠈⠳⢄⠀⠀⠀ ⢀⡞⠁⠀⡀⡄⠀⠈⠙⡟⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠛⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⢄⠀⠀
March 2022

MY GREETINGS ResidentSleeper

twitchquotes: MY GREETINGS ResidentSleeper SHAPESHIFT ResidentSleeper SHAPESHIFT ResidentSleeper THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS OVER ResidentSleeper PLAGUE LORD ResidentSleeper MY WINGED CHILDREN FILL THE SKIES ResidentSleeper I AM THE ESSENCE OF MAGIC ResidentSleeper
twitch chat
March 2018
Kripp

Hearthstone

Not funny I didn't laugh

Not funny I didn't laugh. Your joke is so bad I would have preferred the joke went over my head and you gave up re-telling me the joke. To be honest this is a horrid attempt at trying to get a laugh out of me. Not a chuckle, not a hehe, not even a subtle burst of air out of my esophagus. Science says before you laugh your brain preps your face muscles but I didn't even feel the slightest twitch. 0/10 this joke is so bad I cannot believe anyone legally allowed you to be creative at all. The amount of brain power you must have put into that joke has the potential to power every house on Earth. Get a personality and learn how to make jokes, read a book. I'm not saying this to be funny I genuinely mean it on how this is just bottom barrel embarrassment at comedy. You've single handedly killed humor and every comedic act on the planet. I'm so disappointed that society has failed as a whole in being able to teach you how to be funny. Honestly if I put in all my power and time to try and make your joke funny it would require Einstein himself to build a device to strap me into so I can be connected to the energy of a billion stars to do it, and even then all that joke would get from people is a subtle scuff. You're lucky I still have the slightest of empathy for you after telling that joke otherwise I would have committed every war crime in the book just to prevent you from attempting any humor ever again. We should put that joke in text books so future generations can be wary of becoming such an absolute comedic failure. Im disappointed, hurt, and outright offended that my precious time has been wasted in my brain understanding that joke. In the time that took I was planning on helping kids who have been orphaned, but because of that you've waisted my time explaining the obscene integrity of your terrible attempt at comedy. Now those kids are suffering without meals and there's nobody to blame but you. I hope you're happy with what you have done and I truly hope you can move on and learn from this piss poor attempt
September 2019

Classic

NA is so ba... I should brush my teeth

twitchquotes: SMOrc NA is so ba... SMOrc maybe i should brush my teeth SMOrc NA is s... SMOrc maybe i should floss SMOrc fk give me dentures SMOrc
twitch chat
April 2016
Kripp

Classic

EU vs NA

Text-to-Speech Playing