Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.
I used to be a real ad
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Omg imagine an xD spam in this font
twitchquotes:
๐ธ๐ถ๐ฐ ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ช๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฎ ๐ช๐ท "๐๐" ๐ผ๐น๐ช๐ถ ๐ฒ๐ท ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ธ๐ท๐ฝ ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ช๐ฝ ๐๐ธ๐พ๐ต๐ญ ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ช๐ฒ๐ญ๐ผ ๐ช๐ผ ๐ฏ๐พ๐ฌ๐ด ` ๐ต๐ฎ๐ต ๐ด๐ฎ๐ด
๐ธ๐ถ๐ฐ ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ช๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฎ ๐ช๐ท "๐๐" ๐ผ๐น๐ช๐ถ ๐ฒ๐ท ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ธ๐ท๐ฝ ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ช๐ฝ ๐๐ธ๐พ๐ต๐ญ ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ช๐ฒ๐ญ๐ผ ๐ช๐ผ ๐ฏ๐พ๐ฌ๐ด ` ๐ต๐ฎ๐ต ๐ด๐ฎ๐ด
twitch chat
Dota Major
Just hit gold and I feel really dangerous IRL
twitchquotes:
Last night I hit Gold rank in League of Legends, Summoner's Rift for the first time. Today, when I went on my walk to my standard retail job, idk I felt like I had this new edge to me that wasn't there before. I went from a triangle to a square pretty much. Have any other LoL overachievers ever felt this way before? It's like my rank is strapped to my waist and now whenever people are at risk of passing me on the sidewalk, they skirt over to the other side in a tizzy. At work, someone tried to shoplift some Almond Joy. When I caught him, I yelled "hey!"
And he looked at me and scoffed, like, "whatever dude, don't be a hero."
I put a hand on my hip and said "I'm not a hero, I'm a jungler."
He dropped the candy bar and ran to his getaway vehicle. I recorded the plate and called the police.
twitch chat
League of Legends
WHEN DOES NA PLAY?
twitchquotes:
WHEN DOES NA PLAY 
OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO
OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO WHEN DOES NA PLAY OH NO NO NO
twitch chat
Riot Games
League of Legends
โ ๏ธ ATTENTION ALL MEN: Be EXTREMELY careful you ONLY buy shower products FOR MEN.
I went to the store one time because I was out of my Men's 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hand soap, and shaving cream and wanted to take a shower. As I was in a hurry I didn't bother to check the label, I just grabbed it, paid, and ran. When I got home I turned on the shower, let the water run all over my body (but not on my ass, real men don't wash that) and began applying my new 5-in-1 lotion. Or so I thought. After I had done so I nearly fell to the ground as pain spread all throughout my body (normally as a real man I can handle pain yet this was somehow an exception). I looked down and my penis was completely gone, however my view was quickly obstructed as my pecs began to swell. I reached up to feel my chin only to realize all the hair in my beard had fallen out. My plans afterwards began to fade as I began to lose my extremely masculine interests. In a panic, I reached to turn off the water and jumped out to look in the mirror, however it must be broken as there was a woman staring back at me. It was in this moment that I grabbed the bottle and read the label:
For Women.
Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck in my ass
I currently have a Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck in my ass.
I am male if it matters. I've always been into putting things in my ass I don't know why, I'm not gay or anything I just like how it feels. Well I got drunk last night and decided to play with my ass and I hadn't gone shopping so I was out of carrots and cucumbers so I looked around and I saw my Buzz Lightyear action figure and thought "why not?" I've put action figures up there before because they feel different and it's funny. I grabbed Buzz, lubed him up and put him up against my asshole and started sliding him in. "To infinity and beyond!" I moaned as Buzz entered me.
The only problem is that he has those wings that expand and so they popped open nearly splitting me in half and now he's stuck in there and I can't get him out. I know I need to go to the emergency room but honestly I'm scared and ashamed. I've managed to hide it from my wife so far but I think she's getting suspicious and can tell something is wrong. I'm going to try to sneak to the ER later and hopefully get it taken care of without her finding out.