[Copypasta] Dear people who comment on porn

Dear people who comment on porn, why? Do you really think whoever the fuck you’re masturbating to will see “you are gorgeous I would love to tittyfuck you, it would be my pleasure😍😍😍” will fly over to your house have sex with your fatass and then fly back? No. If it ever actually does happen, I’d bet that pornstar does it a lot. Which means constant flying. Porn commenters are causing global warming.
September 2021
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DONGER TO ME

twitchquotes: ⊹⋛⋋( ຈل͜ຈ )⋌⋚⊹ DONGER TO ME, SQWAAK ⊹⋛⋋( ຈل͜ຈ )⋌⋚⊹
twitch chat
October 2014
imaqtpie

You toss and turn as Elon gently rubs your shoulders

You toss and turn as Elon gently rubs your shoulders. "You seem a little tense" says Elon, as you look at your bank account. Your phone shows $107 left to your name. You think to yourself while Elon rubs you down, you pull open Robin Hood, type in TSLA. Leaps $900 JAN 2023' are only $1 you can afford 1 leap. This is finally your chance to get rich, you'll be able to actually buy a Tesla. You ask Elon what the next Tesla will be. He says "U, for 'you'" as he smiles sweetly. You picture him dancing on stage explaining U S3XY to everyone multiple times as you smile back at him. All of a sudden Elon flips on the TV to CNBC to catch the tail end of Jim Cramer, you see a new law has been passed, "we believe options have inflated the markets into a bubble, we will be imposing a new rule next week only allowing accounts that qualify for day trades to also purchase options with a $25,000 barrier to entry." You start weeping aloud, you feel a caring hand wipe your tear away, it's Elon again, "what's wrong my little X'√π3?" Suddenly you wake, you're in a pool of sweat, at first you panic about the new options policy, then you're filled with relief realizing that options aren't restricted it was all a dream. You realize this was actually a vision to earn 200,000% gains to buy a TSLA leap. You log into RH, it welcomes you with your $107 balance, you plug in TSLA yolo 2023 @ $900 and realize the options are actually $20 each. The best you can do is $900 TSLA weekly expiring around Christmas. In a slight fit of despair you try to remember the feeling of Elon rubbing your cheek, and rub one out onto your stomach, then roll over back to sleep. A single tear rolls from your eye into your waifu pillow. YOLO you whisper.
December 2020

WallStreetBets

Hello this is Dan from the next room over

twitchquotes: Hello this is Dan from the next room over. Can you be quiet for 2 minutes it's almost 2am and I can still hear you. I have had a hard day doing REAL work for 13 hours and all I want is a bit of peace and quiet. LOL just kidding it's Tanner from highschool again, enjoy playing your kids games while I'm hanging out with Becca. We're watching re-runs of that time you lost that video game tournament. Peace out!
twitch chat
June 2019

Tanner from High School

Hypnosis Spiral AlienPls

⣾⡟⠀⢰⡿⠁⢠⣿⡏⠁⣰⣾⠟⠉⠉⠉⠛⣿⣶⠈⢻⣷⡀⠈⣿⣧⠈⣿⣧⠀ ⣿⡇⠀⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⠀⢸⣿⡇⢰⣿ AlienPls ⢸⣿⠀⢸⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⠀⣿⣿⠀ ⣿⡇⠀⢿⡇⠀⢻⣿⡀⠘⣿⣇⠘⠻⢷⣶⣶⠿⠛⣠⣾⡟⠀⣠⣿⡏⢠⣿⡏
July 2022

Ugandan Knuckles 2

⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠶⣿⣭⡧⡤⣤⣻⣛⣹⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣼⣊⣤⣶⣷⣶⣧⣤⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠸⠿⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⣿⣿⡀⠘⣿⡿⢿⣿⣿⡟⣾⣿⣯⣽⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡠⠚⢛⣛⣃⢄⡁⢀⢀⢀⠈⠁⠛⠛⠛⠛⠚⠻⣿⣿⣿⣷ ⢀⢀⣴⣶⣶⣶⣷⡄⠊⠉⢻⣟⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⡠⠔⠒⢀⢀⢀⢀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀ ⢠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄⣙⠻⠿⠶⠒⠁⢀⢀⣀⣤⣰⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄ ⢿⠟⠛⠋⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⡿⠷⣶⣶⣶⢶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠉⠙⠻⠿⣿⣿⡿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢀⢀⢀⢀⠈⠁ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⠈⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⣹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⣀⢀⢀⠉⠛⠛⠋⠉⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣤⣄⣀⣀⣤⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠙⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠛ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢹⣿⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠁ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⣿⡇⢀⠈⠙⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠻⣿⣿⣿⠇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣸⣿⡇⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢨⣿⣿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣾⣿⡿⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⣿⡏ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠻⠿⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢠⣿⣿⡇
December 2018
Text-to-Speech Playing