[Copypasta] I fell asleep masturbating with the curtains open and porn playing

I thought it would be nice to nut before i slept and before my sleeping pill kicked in and my room was dark so I figured why close the blinds. I was lubing up my cock with silicone lube, felt really good and got my cock really hard and was enjoying what I was watching. Next thing I realized, I wake up at 11am, dick in hand with lube, lube spilled all over my body and sheets and porn still playing and the neighbors can clearly see what happened. I live in an apartment area, and at the first floor so everybody next door saw everything. The neighbor right in front of me was having lunch and raised his glass to say cheers to me and smiled. Advice: cover all your bases before jerking off, and don't jerk under the influence.
April 2021
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More Copypastas

Allu is a tactical genius

twitchquotes: Allu is a tactical genius. He is best known for his signature tactic ”going B, but then benching AleksiB”. He also has a second little known tactic of ”going A, but then going home without any wins”. What an absolute legend. Top 3 IGL 4 sure.
twitch chat
October 2020

CSGO

Hey Doublelift! It's me Greg from high school

twitchquotes: Hey Doublelift! It's me Greg from high school. How's it going man? Remember that one time you jacked off Mr. Stevens to get an A in gym? Haha classic Yiliang you always did the craziest things. Nice talking to you my man.
twitch chat
February 2017
Doublelift

Tanner from High School

Am I The Asshole for not being able to trade options for my dad? I’m 6.

This started about 4 years ago when I was 2 years old. My dad started to supplement me picture books and cartoons with beginner options books and Martin Shkerli's live videos on how to pick pharmaceutical stocks. Over the course of these years I have retained absolutely nothing even though my dad has spent every waking minute trying to make me understand. He has done almost everything including having Jerome Powell's speeches play while I am sleeping and only having Warren Buffet on the TV to try and make me understand the market. Yesterday, he got to a breaking point when I couldn't differentiate between a straddle and a strangle even though we went through different strategies for almost a month straight. My dad finally convinced my mom that they were doing the right thing when he said that I will soon be a Wendy's worker begging my wife's husband for a weekly allowance because I will never amount to be anything. He couldn't fathom raising a kid who was not able to able to make a profit from trading options by the time he was 10. With all that said, if anyone wants a 6 year old child who is shitty at market strategy, plz adopt me from Eternal Sunny Orphanage in Omaha, Nebraska.
September 2021

WallStreetBets

Am I The Asshole?

How can these trash players be considered pros

twitchquotes: How can these trash players be considered pros when they are always falling off the map?? Even I in Silver can at least not just walk of the map lol...
twitch chat
March 2018
OverwatchLeague

Overwatch

Mario poops mods

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–“β–“β–“β–“β–€β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–“β–“β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–„β–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–„β–‘β–„β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–€β–‘β–€β–‘β–€β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–„β–‘β–‘β–€β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–€β–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ ░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░░░░░░ β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–€β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–€β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–€β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–β–ˆβ–β–„β–‘β–‘β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–‘MODS░░░░▐▄▄▄▀░░░░░░░░░
January 2017

MODS

Classic

Text-to-Speech Playing