I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek so much, I had all the merchandise and movies. I'd pray to Shrek every night before I go to bed, thanking for the life I've been given. "Shrek is love", I would say, "Shrek is life". My dad hears me and calls me a faggot. I knew he was just jealous for my devotion of Shrek. I called him a cunt. He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep. I'm crying now and my face hurts. I lay in bed and it's really cold. A warmth is moving towards me. I feel something touch me. It's Shrek. I'm so happy. He whispers in my ear, "This is my swamp". He grabs me with his powerful ogre hands, and puts me on my hands and knees. I spread my ass-cheeks for Shrek. He penetrates my butthole. It hurts so much, but I do it for Shrek. I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water. I push against his force. I want to please Shrek. He roars a mighty roar, as he fills my butt with his love. My dad walks in. Shrek looks him straight in the eye, and says, "It's all ogre now". Shrek leaves through my window. Shrek is love. Shrek is life.ο»Ώ
I used to be a real ad
More Classic Copypastas
Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)
I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
Classic
WallStreetBets
Meanwhile in Forsen's mouth
twitchquotes:
Meanwhile in Forsen's mouth: ~ 
γγγ ~ γγγγγγγγ~ γγγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγγ γ~ ~ γ γγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγ γγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγγγ~ γγγγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γ γγγ~
γγγ ~ γγγγγγγγ~ γγγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγγ γ~ ~ γ γγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγ γγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γγγγ~ γγγγγγγγ~ γγγγγ~ γγγγγγ~ γ γγγ~
twitch chat
Forsen
Classic
KappaPride
How do I get my husband to stop going βGoblin Modeβ during sex?
How do I get my husband to stop going βGoblin Modeβ during sex?
TLDR; My husband says βGoblin Mode activatedβ when we start to have sex, growls and acts like a caveman, and then says βGoblin Mode offβ when we stop, and then pretends not to remember afterward.
I really love my husband and heβs always been great in bed. But recently heβs been acting really weird. So, a couple of days ago, my son went on a rampage through our house and said he was in βGoblin Modeβ. We didnβt really know what to do with him, so we sent him to live with my parents so he can go to a special needs school. My husband a really great relationship with our son and loved him more than anything. Naturally, he was upset when he had to leave. Heβs an incredibly tough man, but this was the first time Iβve ever seen him cry. I think since then, heβs been a little emotionally unwell. Iβve heard him muttering, βGoblinβ repeatedly when he didnβt notice me, staring blankly into his food, and just going alone by himself to do who knows what. I feel awful for him, but we both agreed that this was for the best. Last night, the day after our son went away, we decided to have sex to relieve our stress. However, my husband said βGoblin Mode activatedβ, starting growling, and went wild having sex with me. Admittedly, it was some of the best and most experimental sex Iβve ever had, but Iβm worried that something might be going on with my husband. Any advice?
Edit: The problem isnβt the βGoblin Modeβ, itβs that he could be ill
Confessions
Classic
I charted your LP for the last month
twitchquotes:
π q-qt, I charted your LP for the last month...
π q-qt, I charted your LP for the last month...
twitch chat
imaqtpie
Classic
League of Legends
MSFT Infinite Money Glitch πππ
Disclaimer: I am not a financial or investment advisor.
Before this subreddit was ruined by ten million people, solid DD used to get done. Do you ever find yourself reminiscing about the good βol WSB days?
Well, your prayers have been answered. Degenerates gather around, as I am bringing you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make some serious $MSFT tendies π
Today, Bill Gates announced that after twenty-seven years of marriage, he will be divorcing. Do you know what this means? Bill is single and ready to mingle.
Step 1: Use Wifeβs Tinder Account
Step 2: Match with Bill Gates
Step 3: Wife goes on date with Bill, they fall in love, he proposes, no pre-nup
Step 4: Wife marries Bill and becomes $MSFT royalty
Step 5: Continue to date wife
Step 6: Cash out πππ
For those too retarded to read:
https://preview.redd.it/tts3psz5q0x61.jpg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f68092ae47d414627c6dee8a0c4afd6808bcc57
Congratulations. You are now your own wifeβs boyfriend.