[Copypasta] What if TF2 injuries were more realistic?

Just imagine: You are playing 2fort as RED team and pick heavy, you get out of spawn when suddenly a Pyro with the Homewrecker hits you square on the head. Your Heavy falls down and makes a weird snoring sound and has a nasty gash in his head with clear fluid running out of his ears. Then for like 30 minutes the screen goes black and you hear Heavy being transported into an ambulance. After the 30 mins Heavy opens his eyes a little. It looks like hes in the ICU and is currently getting artificially ventilated. Then the screen goes black again for 3 days until Heavy opens his eyes a little to see a woman, presumably heavys wife, crying beside his bed. She says something but it seems like Heavy doesnt understand anything she is saying, only thing you clearly make out is "permanent brain damage" and how sorry she is for never talking you out of your Mercenary profession. Then the screen goes black for another 5 months with some short times of conciousness inbetween until you see the same woman with 2 kids talking to your doctor in the ICU. All you can make out is that they decided to end your suffering and pull the plug. The last thing you see is heavys eyes closing, until you suddenly respawn in RED Spawn.
January 2021
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

Liberty Mutual Auto Insurance

twitchquotes: 🚢You owned a car πŸš—πŸš— for 4β°πŸ“… yearsβ°πŸ‘. You🚢 named itπŸ‘± BradπŸ‘±. YouπŸ’‘β€πŸ’— lovedπŸ’•BradπŸ’•πŸ˜™. And then you🚢⚠ totaledβš πŸš§πŸš—πŸš™ him🚦. You two πŸ’πŸ’‘had been through everything πŸ‘¬together🎭. πŸ‘¬2 boyfriendsπŸ‘¬, πŸ”¨πŸ”§3 jobsπŸ”«,❌ nothing ❌could replaceπŸ‘± BradπŸ†πŸ†. Then Liberty MutualπŸ“žπŸ“žπŸ“ž calls, and you break into your 😊happy😊 πŸ’ƒdanceπŸ’ƒπŸ’ƒπŸ†.
twitch chat
October 2016

I'm jealous of Kripp's gangsta lifestyle

twitchquotes: I'm jealous of Kripp's gangsta lifestyle ... the baller veganism ... the high fibre diet ... the dope falafel wraps. The dude is regular!
twitch chat
May 2015
Kripp

I'm still not as salty as you

twitchquotes: Reynad, I went to Isreal the other week. I went to the dead sea and floated on the incredibly salty water. I managed to get some in my mouth, and then came out ate a pretzel, and a hot dog with extra salt. And then ate an entire salt lick. I'm still not a salty as you. PJSalt
twitch chat
August 2015
Reynad

salty

Red powder found on Summoner's Rift

twitchquotes: Imaqtpie's games were delayed today after a red powder was found on the rift. After analysis, Rioters determined the red substance, unknown to Imaqtpie, was the remnants of an enemy nexus. Games resumed after Rioters decided Imaqtpie was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
twitch chat
August 2015
imaqtpie

League of Legends

Kreygasm

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–€β–€β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–„β–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–€β–ˆβ–Œβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–β–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–„β– β–€β–’β–’β–’β–€β– β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–β–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–’β–„β–„β–Œβ–’β–β–„β–„β–’β–β–ˆβ–Œβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–ˆβ–Œβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–€β–€β–’β–’β–’β–’β–ˆβ–Œβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–“β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–“β–’β–’β–’β–’β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–’β–’β–’β–“β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–“β–’β–’β–’β–’β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–“β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–“β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–“β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–“β–β–ˆβ–Œβ–’β–’β–β–ˆβ–Œβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
November 2014
Text-to-Speech Playing