[Copypasta] Twitch's terrible Bounty commercial

twitchquotes: Four people on me. Quick I need help. Dash, we're on then way. Come on guys we got this. NOOOO. NOOOO.Quick! The quicker picker upper.A spill? No biggie.That's right chat, ya GOTTA have Bounty at your battle station. My man! Let's get back into this. Cover Me, cover me. Guy's I'm still knocked over here. Bounty. The Quicker Picker-upper.
twitch chat
June 2020
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

OMG you're so FUNNY so quirky

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚OMG πŸ˜‚ you’re so FUNNY 🀣 🀣 so quirky πŸ‘‰πŸ‘ˆ πŸ€ͺ so different 🀩absolute crackhead energy πŸ€ͺπŸ€ͺ comedic genius🧠 πŸ˜‚ I literally can’t ❌ breathe 😭 i’m crying dude 😭😭 that was so hilarious πŸ˜† u really got the whole squad laughing πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦πŸ˜‚πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦β€πŸ‘¦πŸ˜‚πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦ high IQ comedy 🧠🧠 how’d you come up with that πŸ§πŸ˜‚ really original work πŸ˜‚ never seen πŸ™ˆ or heard πŸ™‰ anything like that before πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ great πŸ‘ job πŸ‘πŸ‘ keep up the funnies πŸ‘‘πŸ€£πŸ‘‘ i love you πŸ’• 😘 you’re my inspiration 🀩🀩🀩 if only i were as funny πŸ˜„ or smart πŸ€“ or cool 😎 as you πŸ˜” but its whatever I’ll continue to watch πŸ‘πŸ‘„πŸ‘ your content πŸŽ₯🀳 because it ❌NEVER EVER❌ fails to make me laugh πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ thank you πŸ™ for existing πŸ˜‡ and doing what you do ❀️❀️
April 2022

Emoji Pasta

AITA for not telling my wife about all the hitchhikers I killed in the 70s?

Back when I (68M) was a young and dumb twenty-something, I spent a few carefree years in Southern California raping, torturing, and murdering hitchhikers. I don't want any judgement from SJWs about this, please, if you didn't live in Cali in the 1970s, you wouldn't understand. It was just what we did back in those days. Eventually I grew up, got married, had three beautiful kids, and was content to just get off to my trophies and polaroids, and maybe kill the occasional drifter on special occasions. The other day, my wife (37F) found the hidden panel in my basement wall where I keep all the old memories, and she went ballistic. I tried to calm her down, explained that, firstly, they were all dudes, so she shouldn't exactly be getting jealous. Second, they're all dead, so it's not like she's going to have to worry about me leaving her for any of them. Third, there were like three or four other guys doing the same thing around then, and they took the credit for most of my kills. I was very careful, covered my tracks, rarely finished inside them. I don't know why she's got her knickers in such a twist. Quite frankly, I'm feeling really hurt about the whole thing. We've been together for nearly thirty years, and she's thinking about leaving me over something like this? Maybe I should have been more honest, but I was raised to see this as men's business, not something you involve your old lady in. Am I the asshole?
August 2021

AITA

Do NOT meet Robert Downey Jr. in real life!

I met him in real life and told him how much of a fan I was. He kept on saying rude things to me such as "Who are you", "How did you get in my house" and "I'm calling the police." Celebrities, PLEASE respect your fans!
June 2021

Stroll in my local GameStop

stroll into my local GameStop looking to pick up a copy of Binding of Isaac grab the game and take it to the charming maiden at the register "Pardon me, milady...but could you ring me up? A shame I don't have your number or I'd ring you up instead..." she giggles and takes the game, blushing as her fingers brush mine due to my fingerless gloves her eyes widen as she reads the game's title "Wow, I've never seen anyone buy this before! You must have special taste!" I smile and ready a witty response when suddenly a voice rings out from behind "Hahaha look at what this β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯ is buying! That's not Call of Duty Advanced Memefare! What a piece of β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯!" I quickly turn around, my cloak billowing behind me, to discern the source of the rude outburst generic dudebro caricature with a sports team cap and "the guy that beat you up that one time behind the school in early October" shirt is standing there guffawing "Excuse me sir...you may disparage my person if you wish, but it is untoward to swear in front of a lady." "β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯ you β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯!" I smile quietly and tip my fedora low across my eyes, concealing them "As you wish..." I quickly swing my cane into his kneecap before he can react he bellows and charges forward I expertly sidestep him and the cashier screams as he crashes into the counter I draw my sword-cane and mutter a quiet oath as I drive it deep into his back "...requiescat in pace..." As I clean my blade the girl walks out from behind the counter, twirling her hair with her fingers "So...maybe you'd like to come over to my place to play that game sometime...? "No thanks, milady, it's only single player. Besides..." I sheath my sword "You're not my type." skate away on my Heelys
January 2021

Classic

THIS USED TO BE A 2016 STREAM

twitchquotes: FeelsBadMan THIS USED TO BE A 2016 STREAM FeelsBadMan THIS USED TO BE A 2016 STREAM FeelsBadMan
twitch chat
January 2017
Text-to-Speech Playing