[Copypasta] Own a musket for home defense

twitchquotes: Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
twitch chat
August 2019
(β–€ΜΏΔΉΜ―β”œβ”¬β”΄β”¬β”΄ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
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Kittarrian and Pussytron

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March 2014
Kripp

GIDDY UP SEXMAS

December 2023

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Christmas

Salt mines are now Greece's #1 export

twitchquotes: Hello Mr. Kripp, on behalf of the entire Greek country, I would like to thank you for single handedly restoring our economy with your endless supplies of salt. Salt mines are now Greece's #1 export. Most excellent, all hail Kripperino!
twitch chat
December 2014
Kripp

Yoshi

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–„β–€β–€β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–’β–„β–‘β–„β–‘β–‘β–’β–ˆβ–„β–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–„β–ˆβ–‘β–€β–‘β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–“β–“β–ˆβ–‘β–‘ β–‘β–„β–€β–’β–’β–’β–€β–„β–€β–„β–„β–„β–€β–’β–’β–€β–ˆβ–“β–„ β–„β–€β–€β–’β–€β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–‘β–‘β–‘β–’β–’β–’β–ˆβ–“β–“β–ˆ β–ˆβ–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–’β–’β–ˆβ–ˆβ–€ β–€β–„β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–’β–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–’β–„β–ˆβ–„β–€β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–„β–„β–„β–„β–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–’β–’β–€β–„β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘
ascii art
November 2014

Infinite Cum Part 2

Your eyes slowly open. Crusty from months of wear from stray globs of semen and cosmic dust. You are in a room and you can no longer see your member, or rather, what was left of it. There are tubes leading away from your pelvis, pumping and pulsating. There is a glass window across from you and a person dressed in a white jacket. A woman. She looks up from her clipboard to see you are awake. At first she is uninterested, but then her eyes slam open and a beaming smile crosses her face. Her eyes filled with curiosity. β€œYou’re awake!” She cries over the loudspeakers that you only just now notice embedded into the top corners of the room. β€œWhere am I?” You ask, filled with fear and excitement. You thought you would never see a human again and you would be destined to suffer endlessly across the cosmos. β€œYou are on Saturn. You crashed into it and due to it’s extreme mass you were able to stop. We picked you up because you may be the key to saving humanity for all eternity.” β€œHow?” You ask as a smile begins to creep across your face, imagining that you could be an icon for humanity. β€œYou have been addressed as the Cosmic Unknown Mass Semen Generator, or CUMS-G for short. The fault in reality that caused your affliction can be used for the good of humanity. By using the mass you produce we will never have to worry about energy again, as by converting your biomass into energy we have unlimited power for the rest of time. When the stars die and the cosmos sink into nothing, humanity will be able to continue thanks to you. The anomaly that created you is easily one of the greatest discoveries humanity has ever had, on par with the discovery of fire.” β€œWill I not die?” β€œYou can’t die. You are immortal. You don’t even have a body and yet you continue to exist” … Hours later, she leaves to tell her superiors. They do not greet you. They exchange high-fives and party but they do not speak to you. Months pass. The cum accelerates. Then years. The cum accelerates. Then decades. The cum accelerates. Then centuries. The cum accelerates. Then eons. The cum accelerates. No one talks to you. You don’t even know if humanity is alive anymore or if they have left you to exist for the rest of eternity. The tubes around you have gotten far thicker and more high tech as the ferocity of your semen expulsion increased. Eventually the walls around you cave in. Only then do you see the truth. Their plan was flawed.
April 2022

Infinite Cum

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