[Copypasta] Response to "go fuck yourself"

What if I'm already fucking myself? Behind this simple insult hides a universal paradox that may put your sexuality in question. Let's do a simple thought experiment: imagine us two standing in front of each other. I, of course, am wearing a pair of jeans, that are covering my genitals and my butt. You then command me to "go fuck myself". I may be fucking myself already. I may as well not be fucking myself already. Until my dick and its position relative to my ass is observed, it is simultaneously in my ass, but also outside of it - thus, it stays in superposition. The moment you lay eyes on my penis, both states collide with each other and become either one. You may have already guessed what the problem here is. As soon as a single photon reflected by my dick enters either one of your eyes, you become gay. The only way to avoid this is to not observe my penis. But if you don't look at it, then you will never know if your insult had any effect, thus rendering it meaningless. Since you have already made the insult, you are now, too, in superposition - you're either wrong, or gay. It's unfortunate, really - you dug a hole for yourself without even knowing it. All you can do now is accept it, and learn from your mistakes.
April 2020

Classic

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Not funny I didn't laugh

Not funny I didn't laugh. Your joke is so bad I would have preferred the joke went over my head and you gave up re-telling me the joke. To be honest this is a horrid attempt at trying to get a laugh out of me. Not a chuckle, not a hehe, not even a subtle burst of air out of my esophagus. Science says before you laugh your brain preps your face muscles but I didn't even feel the slightest twitch. 0/10 this joke is so bad I cannot believe anyone legally allowed you to be creative at all. The amount of brain power you must have put into that joke has the potential to power every house on Earth. Get a personality and learn how to make jokes, read a book. I'm not saying this to be funny I genuinely mean it on how this is just bottom barrel embarrassment at comedy. You've single handedly killed humor and every comedic act on the planet. I'm so disappointed that society has failed as a whole in being able to teach you how to be funny. Honestly if I put in all my power and time to try and make your joke funny it would require Einstein himself to build a device to strap me into so I can be connected to the energy of a billion stars to do it, and even then all that joke would get from people is a subtle scuff. You're lucky I still have the slightest of empathy for you after telling that joke otherwise I would have committed every war crime in the book just to prevent you from attempting any humor ever again. We should put that joke in text books so future generations can be wary of becoming such an absolute comedic failure. Im disappointed, hurt, and outright offended that my precious time has been wasted in my brain understanding that joke. In the time that took I was planning on helping kids who have been orphaned, but because of that you've waisted my time explaining the obscene integrity of your terrible attempt at comedy. Now those kids are suffering without meals and there's nobody to blame but you. I hope you're happy with what you have done and I truly hope you can move on and learn from this piss poor attempt
September 2019

Classic

gachiGASM

โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–„โ–“โ–‘โ–’โ–„โ–„โ–„โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–’โ–‘โ–„โ–‘โ–„โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–’โ–€โ–’โ–€โ–’โ–“โ–’โ–“โ–‘โ–‘ โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–„โ–“โ–’โ–“โ–‘ โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–€โ–„โ–„โ–„โ–„โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“ โ–‘โ–“โ–ˆโ–€โ–„โ–’โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–ˆโ–’โ–’โ–„โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–“โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–“โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘
ascii art
April 2016

KappaPride

Classic

Nacho cheese torpedo

twitchquotes: Guys, please don't spam. My daughter made a macaroni dinosaur in school and it passes its days pasted to my laptop screen. When too many messages show up it starts turning into a nacho cheese torpedo. God bless, thanks for understanding.
twitch chat
June 2016

Classic

I want to become a walrus

twitchquotes: Hello, I am currently 15 years old and I want to become a walrus. I know there's a million people out there just like me, but I promise you I'm different. On December 14th, I'm moving to Antarctica; home of the greatest walri. I've already cut off my arms, and now slide on my stomach everywhere I go as training. I may not be a walrus yet, but I promise you if you give me a chance and the support I need, I will become the greatest walrus ever. Thank you all.
twitch chat
July 2014

Classic

Unidan "jackdaw is a crow"

Here's the thing. You said a "jackdaw is a crow." Is it in the same family? Yes. No one's arguing that. As someone who is a scientist who studies crows, I am telling you, specifically, in science, no one calls jackdaws crows. If you want to be "specific" like you said, then you shouldn't either. They're not the same thing. If you're saying "crow family" you're referring to the taxonomic grouping of Corvidae, which includes things from nutcrackers to blue jays to ravens. So your reasoning for calling a jackdaw a crow is because random people "call the black ones crows?" Let's get grackles and blackbirds in there, then, too. Also, calling someone a human or an ape? It's not one or the other, that's not how taxonomy works. They're both. A jackdaw is a jackdaw and a member of the crow family. But that's not what you said. You said a jackdaw is a crow, which is not true unless you're okay with calling all members of the crow family crows, which means you'd call blue jays, ravens, and other birds crows, too. Which you said you don't. It's okay to just admit you're wrong, you know?
October 2021

Classic

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