[Copypasta] Can't focus on sex with the Food Network on

twitchquotes: I’m married and have a 4 year old so sex needs to be done in window opportunities. Whatever channel the TV is on in the background is what it’s going to be. Food Network is the hardest to have sex to by far. So if for example Guy Fieri Triple D comes on and I hear “we’re going to Seattle for some funky BBQ fish empanadas” while having sex my brain is “yes sex! But those empanadas sound crazy...dude focus on sex....that’s a shit load of jalapeños, that would give me heartburn for a week....Ok back to focusing on the sex....oh shit he’s going to a bbq pit in Austin next that does burnt tips in white cheddar Mac and Cheese!!! I gotta wrap this up”
twitch chat
May 2019
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

80 billion dollars in twitch stocks

twitchquotes: 4 people broke into my house and held me hostage last night. Somehow they've heard I hold 80 billion dollars in twitch stocks and wanted me to withdraw it to a specific bank account. I had to explain for 2 hours how it's all fake money and that I've spent almost a week trading fake stocks just to gain nothing. They ended up calling me a fucking loser and left..
twitch chat
March 2019

I accidentally ran over my wife’s pet rabbit with my car

So my wife works from home and she is a graphic designer. She is working from home because the rabbit is very needy and cannot be apart from her without screaming it’s head off. She barely leaves the house due to this and it is difficult because I have to do everything for her and them that requires leaving the house. Whenever we go anywhere together the rabbit has to go with her. However since that post was posted I had developed a plan with the help from some dms and comments I had been acting sick all night and all morning and convinced my wife to go to the market for me to get me medicine. Some Tylenol and cough syrup. She was worried about the rabbit and suggested taking it with her but I somehow convinced her to go without it. We live in a rural area and the closest store is about 20 minutes away. So I hatched my plan as soon as she left. I grabbed that little shit by the neck and while it kicked and screamed I put it into an Amazon box and rushed to the car with it. Initially the plan was to release him into the wild so I drove to the closest wild spot which happens to be a campsite and let the little parasite out. He is partially blind so he just sat there for a bit and I pushed it closer to the grass off the gravel parking lot and it started sniffing around and shit. At this point I thought I was home free and I got into the car to leave but the little shit noticed me getting in and ran towards the car when I started it and moved the car over a bump and I heard a scream. I didn’t know what to do do I started driving and stopped the car a little further away and it was lying there on the gravel parking lot as I started to panic. I didn’t want to kill it I just wanted it gone. Instead I drove over it like a speed bump. I put him back into the box and Drove to the vet. My wife is calling my phone I don’t know what to do, I’m writing this in the waiting room of the vet. I fucked up. The whole thing is a blur. Edit: rabbit is alive, driving home, will update
May 2022

When you copy messages don't copy the name

twitchquotes: Jimmy_Swaggart: ForsenIsNeverLucky: FailFish DONT COPY THE FailFish NAME WHEN YOU FailFish COPY THE PASTA FailFish
twitch chat
May 2015

Classic

Grim Reaper

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢤⣶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⡾⠿⢿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣶⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣦⣴⣿⡋⠀⠀⠈⢳⡄⠀⢠⣾⣿⠁⠈⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠹⡄⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⢹⡇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣏⢻⣿⣿⡆⠀⠸⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣾⣿⣿⣆⠹⣿⣷⠀⢘⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢀⡾⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⠋⠉⠛⠂⠹⠿⣲⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀ ⠀⢠⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣿⣿⣿⣷⣾⣿⡇⢀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀ ⠰⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⡘⢿⣿⣿⣿⠀ ⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⣷⡈⠿⢿⣿⡆ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠛⠁⢙⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⡿⠀⠀⢀⣿⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣶⣤⣉⣛⠻⠇⢠⣿⣾⣿⡄⢻⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⠁ ⠀⠀⠀⠀🈵⠀YOUR TIME HAS COME 🈵⠀
ascii art
June 2021

Don't copy paste the name when you copy paste

twitchquotes: Devlinate: Kaiser_HS: snny_: DONT COPY PASTE THE NAME WHEN U COPY PASTE FailFish
twitch chat
August 2015
Kripp
More Copypastas
Text-to-Speech Playing