[Copypasta] Can't focus on sex with the Food Network on

twitchquotes: I’m married and have a 4 year old so sex needs to be done in window opportunities. Whatever channel the TV is on in the background is what it’s going to be. Food Network is the hardest to have sex to by far. So if for example Guy Fieri Triple D comes on and I hear “we’re going to Seattle for some funky BBQ fish empanadas” while having sex my brain is “yes sex! But those empanadas sound crazy...dude focus on sex....that’s a shit load of jalapeños, that would give me heartburn for a week....Ok back to focusing on the sex....oh shit he’s going to a bbq pit in Austin next that does burnt tips in white cheddar Mac and Cheese!!! I gotta wrap this up”
twitch chat
May 2019
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
More Copypastas

Slap Chop commercial script

Now that I have your attention let me show you this handy new kitchen tool, the Slap Chop! You’re going to be in a great mood all day, because you’re going be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop. Now, look here’s a potato. One slap you got big chunks for stew, two slaps home fries in a second. And, look at this when you add a mushroom: the more you do it, the finer it gets you don’t have to switch any blades. Now, you love salad -- you hate making it. You know you hate making salads -- that’s why you don’t have any salad in your diet. Watch this one slap... salad! I love Pizza too, but once in a while get the veggies in, at least throw it on top of the pizza. You’re going to change your eating habits. Soup, Coleslaw, stuff we want, 5 seconds. 4 or 5 seconds, it's done. This thing, this tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Add this tuna putting it in like this now you’re going to have a nice, tuna, salad. Look at this you’re going to have an exciting life now. Look here’s a hard boiled egg. One chop, you add the pickle; you add the green onion. And what you can do is mix things together add the ham and you’re going to love this. You don’t have time to make breakfast, breakfast to go. You’re going to love my nuts. Watch this: almonds, walnuts. Comes with a cover so you can do everything in the cover. Alright, or you can do it on the board, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it. You know what they charge at the ice cream store? A dollar for toppings at the ice cream store. Add a couple cookies if you want. So, you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away. You know not only nuts what about fruit? Put a mango, look at that isn’t that beautiful on your ice cream.
December 2020

Tragedy of Angela “Mercy” Ziegler the Healer

twitchquotes: I thought not. It's not a story the Blizzard Devs would tell you. It's an Overwatch legend. Angela Ziegler was the main healer of Overwatch, so powerful and so skilled she could use her rapid healing to influence the human body to create life... She had such a knowledge of healing that she could even keep the ones she cared about from dying. The Zürich PHD is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. She became so powerful... the only thing she was afraid of was losing her power, which eventually, of course, she did. Unfortunately, she taught Jeff Kaplan everything she knew, then her developers nerfed her in her sleep. Ironic, she could save others from death, but not herself.
twitch chat
February 2018

Tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise

Overwatch

The message can only be posted 10 more times

twitchquotes: this message can only be posted 10 more times or else serious consequences will commence
twitch chat
March 2015
Kripp

I play Mister Yie in League of Heroes

twitchquotes: That's it noobs, come play me in a game of League of Heroes. I main with the hardest warrior - Mister Yie. I will build full wiji first so you know I'll be able to tank no problem. After that, I will build a Infinite Ledge and score so hardcore attack speed. That's right - I will be victorious
twitch chat
July 2014
imaqtpie

Can someone explain xQc to me?

Can someone explain xQc to me? I watched his stream for the first time yesterday (always just seen him in clips) and he spent roughly 80-90% of the stream slamming his desk after he farts. Is that what all his streams are? Does he not do anything else but fart and slam all day?
June 2021
xQcOW
Text-to-Speech Playing