[Copypasta] Can't focus on sex with the Food Network on

twitchquotes: I’m married and have a 4 year old so sex needs to be done in window opportunities. Whatever channel the TV is on in the background is what it’s going to be. Food Network is the hardest to have sex to by far. So if for example Guy Fieri Triple D comes on and I hear “we’re going to Seattle for some funky BBQ fish empanadas” while having sex my brain is “yes sex! But those empanadas sound crazy...dude focus on sex....that’s a shit load of jalapeños, that would give me heartburn for a week....Ok back to focusing on the sex....oh shit he’s going to a bbq pit in Austin next that does burnt tips in white cheddar Mac and Cheese!!! I gotta wrap this up”
twitch chat
May 2019
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
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Play the greatest game of all time, Cookie Clicker

twitchquotes: Kripp, you are called casual all day everyday and I say it is time to stop. If you truly wish to play a mans game, Play the greatest game of all time, Cookie Clicker. Nothing is more hardcore and less p2w than the masterpiece that is cookie clicker. Play that on stream and never be called casual ever again.
twitch chat
October 2014
Kripp

KkonaW

⡿⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣤⣴⣦⣤⣤⣤⣠⣤⣴⣶⣶⣦⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢿⣿ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠟⠛⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢻ ⣤⣤⣴⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⡶⣶⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⢶⣤⣤⣶⣶⣶⣤⣶⣶ ⣿⣿⠟⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠈⢻⣿⣿⣿⡿⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⠉⠛⠻⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣯⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⢲⣶⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣷⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⣄⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣯⣄⡘⢿⣿⣿⡀⠹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠙⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡷⠿⠋⠻⣿⣷⣏⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡍⠻⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠾⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⣶⣿⣾⣿⣿⣿⢿⡿⠿⠿⠏⠈⠀⣸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⣀⡀⠐⠾⣷⣾⣿⣾⣷⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⠟⠀⠀⣠⡆⢀⣼⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣿⣿⣷⣶⣦⣾⣦⣾⣯⣌⣩⣥⣉⣠⣤⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠿ ⣿⣿⣿⣍⣨⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣍⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⠚⠻⣿⣿⡿⠿⠟⠃⠀⠀⣠
ascii art
September 2020

A few feet offscreen, Dex sits in a cage

twitchquotes: A few feet offscreen, Dex sits in a cage far too small for himself. Malnourished because of his "vegan" diet, his ribs are clearly visible through his coat. He barely has the energy to move, let alone enjoy life. Yet, he knows there's hope. He knows he could draw attention to himself, as he hears Kripp constantly talking to someone. In a single act of defiance, Dex barks to draw attention to his dire situation. "Quiet, Dex" is his only reply as Kripp ignores his pleas yet again.
twitch chat
March 2018
Kripp

The message can only be posted 10 more times

twitchquotes: this message can only be posted 10 more times or else serious consequences will commence
twitch chat
March 2015
Kripp

mattress/furniture stores exist in a quantum superposition

I'm convinced that mattress/furniture stores exist in a quantum superposition of grand opening and going out of business sale. It is both and neither at once until an observer records the state at which point it becomes one or the other. But because you know exactly where the store is located, you cannot know how fast it is going out of business because of your uncertainty about its business momentum. All around us, all the time pairs of anti-discount mattress stores and discount mattress stores are popping into existence, forming the quantum memory foam that is the basis for the universe. Without the pressure of this quantum memory foam strip malls would collapse. We can see evidence of this when a pair is created such that one half is within the sales radius of a supermassive furniture store like Ikea-- one of them is pulled in and the other escapes as a Hawking mattress store.
December 2020
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