[Copypasta] Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon

twitchquotes: Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon into my anus because the local shops had run out of apricots (I buy a lot). Using about a gallon of butter, breathing techniques and a few hours I managed to finally get it inside. However it was too uncomfortable so I tried to shit it back out.This is where things got confusing because rather than a melon sliding out half a dozen apricots did. Now there is a chance that I just blacked out upon excreting the cantaloupe and it rolled away somewhere and that I happened to have a dozen or so left over apricots lying around my rectum from earlier but I cannot for the life of me find the melon anywhere.I think I may have the power to anally turn melons into apricots. Further experimentation will be required of course (once my rectum has recovered) but if this turns out to be true then I may be able to solve world hunger.
twitch chat
April 2019
I used to be a real ad
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People need to stop referring to Agilities as Disabilities

twitchquotes: People need to stop referring to Agilities as Disabilities. He is a very skilled player who has worked hard to get to where he is and you're all just disrespecting him by calling him that.
twitch chat
March 2018
OverwatchLeague

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A man has fallen into the river in Lego City!

A man has fallen into the river in Lego City! Start the new rescue helicopter. HEY! Build the helicopter and off to the rescue. Prepare the lifeline, lower the stretcher, and make the rescue. The new Emergency Collection from Lego City!
December 2020

Lego City

It's not gay with socks on

When I was 13 years old a buddy of mine tried to convince me to fool around. I wasn't into it, and he told me it's not gay if you're wearing socks. I didn't believe him, went home, and asked my dad. That's 'gentleman's gay', hardly gay at all. Don't see it much these days. The 50s were a different time. What were we to do? We were typical boarding school boys, rich with vigor, skin slick with drying sweat and gritty earth from a game of pigskin. At night our young, virile bodies filled the dorm with sweet-musky vapors, like game-meat stewed with apple and peppercorn. You'd awake in darkness to the hushed, melodic rhythm of two pairs of white tube socks, barely visible in moonlight, bouncing on the hardwood floor. The deep bond of male friendship played like a thousand different human instruments. The wet claps of skin on skin, the gentle thud of heads on backboards, frenzied cries in the throes of climax. Wilbur, so fat and soft like tapioca pudding. His breasts were so like the real thing, what we fantasized of our future wives. Unwilling, defenseless Wilbur, so slow and uncoordinated in the dark. 10 of us would glaze his bare, pink flesh like a giant raspberry danish. He once had the audacity to tell Headmaster Redford. But Redford was a Deerfield boy once, he understood. So he joined us on our midnight hog hunts. Through college and years after we'd find time here and there, away from the wives at a family lake house. But it's been decades now - the times have certainly changed. If you wanted to do something private with another man, in your socks, it wasn’t ‘gay’. It was just two men, celebrating each other's strength.
August 2021

Profesionali playertti of Defenders of the Agnolotti

twitchquotes: hello, il mio nome is GIROLAMO SAVORANOLA I my italiano. I want be profesionali playeretti of Defenders of the Agnolotti. the I sold all my spaghetti so i can bought a branderini new coputterini and farma all gaems. Per favore no coperinato pasterinato caramel macchiato
twitch chat
March 2014
Riot Games

Saving up salt for a trip to Greece to touch the Kripp

twitchquotes: I want to touch the kripp, I tell myself. I save up my salt for years to get a trip to greece. I ring the dong bell and out the comes the border kripp face, I smell the aroma of salt and prosterinos. In his hand is a ornate salt shaker and one of reynads 15 guitars. He shoots me in the face with a fireball saying "Assume they have fireball, cause they do have fireball" from that day foward Ive never washed my face again.
twitch chat
September 2014
Kripp
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