[Copypasta] Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon

twitchquotes: Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon into my anus because the local shops had run out of apricots (I buy a lot). Using about a gallon of butter, breathing techniques and a few hours I managed to finally get it inside. However it was too uncomfortable so I tried to shit it back out.This is where things got confusing because rather than a melon sliding out half a dozen apricots did. Now there is a chance that I just blacked out upon excreting the cantaloupe and it rolled away somewhere and that I happened to have a dozen or so left over apricots lying around my rectum from earlier but I cannot for the life of me find the melon anywhere.I think I may have the power to anally turn melons into apricots. Further experimentation will be required of course (once my rectum has recovered) but if this turns out to be true then I may be able to solve world hunger.
twitch chat
April 2019
I used to be a real ad
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Valorant censorship

At least you have the fucking balls to say it. Like in Valorant in the voice chat if you call someone a retard for being trash at the game and not using a mic, and he's a Russian player, you're "banned". Nevermind that the race of the player exists independently from how trash he is at the game. Obviously not all Russians have no mic, (correlation/causation), but this "all players are equal" political correctness bullshit is making it impossible for Valorant players to solve a problem they cannot discuss.
August 2021

Valorant

STFU Weebs

⣿⣿⡿⠟⠛⠛⣿⠛⠛⠛⠛⢻⠛⠛⠛⢻⡟⠛⣿⣿⠛⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡇⠐⠿⣿⣿⣿⡇⢸⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⡇⠄⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⠈⣿⣿⡇⢸⣿⣿⠄⢰⣶⣾⡇⠄⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣇⣉⣁⣤⣿⣿⣇⣸⣿⣿⣀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣤⣈⣁⣤⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⡿⢿⣿⡿⠿⣿⡿⢿⡿⠿⠿⠿⣿⡿⠿⠿⠿⣿⠿⠿⠿⠿⣿⣿⠿⠟⠿⣿ ⡇⠈⣿⠄⠄⣿⠃⣸⡇⠄⣶⣶⣿⡇⢰⣶⣶⣿⠄⢸⡷⠄⣿⡇⠰⢿⣶⣿ ⣿⠄⠋⢰⡆⠸⠄⣿⡇⠄⣤⣤⣿⡇⢠⣤⣤⣿⠄⢰⣤⠈⢻⣿⣦⣄⠈⢿ ⣿⣇⣀⣾⣷⣀⣸⣿⣇⣀⣉⣉⣹⣇⣈⣉⣉⣿⣀⣈⣉⣠⣾⣋⣉⣉⣠⣿
ascii art
September 2019

Weebs

98% of memes aren't even remotely funny

twitchquotes: Did 👏 You 👈 Know? 💭 98% of 💦 memes 🐸 aren't 🚫 even 🌃 remotely funny, 😄 but 🍑 rather 👉 an 👹 indication of 💦 the 👏 low 📉 intelligence, absence of 💦 empathy, and 👏 devolution of 💦 modern 🖥 man. 👨
twitch chat
July 2017

Imaqtpie washed up

twitchquotes: Last Saturday, I found Imaqtpie wet and unconscious on a beach. I quickly asked a lifeguard to watch over him while I get help. The lifeguard walks away muttering that he "doesnt watch washed up streamers".
twitch chat
May 2020
imaqtpie

Wife wants to leave me because of an NFT diamond ring

My wife loves new technology and is into cryptocurrency and so I thought it would be thoughtful to buy her a diamond ring as a NFT. I spent about 3 ETH which is like $12000 CAD. So when she got home from work I told her I had a surprise for her. I put a blindfold on my wife and guided her into our room where our computer is set up. Soon as she opened her eyes and saw what it was, she absolutely exploded with rage saying I was an asshole and was only thinking about myself. She then accused me of spending money on stupid thing and said she’s going to go find a boyfriend. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I was only thinking about HER interests and how happy she would be to receive this new technology. Plus the price of her ring will only appreciate. Stupid real diamonds only depreciate. We have now signed up for NFT relationship counselling. I have been seeking relationship advice but everyone says to buy her NFT flowers or NFT chocolates. And when I did that, that was the last straw. Wife sent me divorce papers and I converted it into NFT. I know in the long run when all these NFT’s moon. She will come crawling back.
February 2022
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