Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank DVD. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the DVD, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken DVD over and realized that it was not a blank DVD, but a copy of the Pixar movie Up.. Well guys, guess I fucked up.
I used to be a real ad
More Classic Copypastas
I dream of becoming a carrot
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I dream of becoming a carrot. When I'm home alone I dig holes in the backyard and stand in them, put lettuce on top of my head from sun up to sun down. I would steal sun tan spray from stores and use it until I turned a bright orange. People tell me it's impossible for me to be a carrot but I know I can be anything I want to be.
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Classic
Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)
I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
Classic
WallStreetBets
In Korea, heart surgeon
Number one. Steady hand. One day, Kim Jong Un need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Kim Jong Un die! SSD very mad! I hide fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car and new woman. Darryl save life.
My big secret. I kill Kim Jong Un on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
Classic
Riot's MIGHT SPAGHETTI CODE of elo hell
twitchquotes:
IF YOU SEE THIS MESSAGE WHILE SCROLLING, Riot's MI瞳蛣G虆虅铜艇虘虌蛦H虄虅叹虄通蛼T虉虗通虌蛫彤Y虓虅蛣 通虆蛣S虄停蛬蜅桐P虆童虋虖虒A蛺虙G炭HE虃虗蛯T蛡炭虘瞳T亭彤艇I叹蛫庭虌蛫 虄虒C挺探O同挺D處虖E蛫通虋童蛺停虇 蜅蛬虊虇挺探o虜虘虗蛫虄虇f虛蛯同 虘桐停亭el虊o虙同蜅虤亭 亭童蛯桐h炭亭e蛼虌虙虅l酮處叹虂蛫l虁蛬虤虋 has leaked onto your computer. Bug splats and lost elo will come to you unless you COPY and PASTA this message 3 times
IF YOU SEE THIS MESSAGE WHILE SCROLLING, Riot's MI瞳蛣G虆虅铜艇虘虌蛦H虄虅叹虄通蛼T虉虗通虌蛫彤Y虓虅蛣 通虆蛣S虄停蛬蜅桐P虆童虋虖虒A蛺虙G炭HE虃虗蛯T蛡炭虘瞳T亭彤艇I叹蛫庭虌蛫 虄虒C挺探O同挺D處虖E蛫通虋童蛺停虇 蜅蛬虊虇挺探o虜虘虗蛫虄虇f虛蛯同 虘桐停亭el虊o虙同蜅虤亭 亭童蛯桐h炭亭e蛼虌虙虅l酮處叹虂蛫l虁蛬虤虋 has leaked onto your computer. Bug splats and lost elo will come to you unless you COPY and PASTA this message 3 times
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