[Copypasta] How to kill a geologist

Disclaimer: my hatred of geologists is purely theatrical, but if I did have to kill one for some reason, it would be very easy. I’d brandish my obsidian knife at them and they’d be compelled to approach. “That’s very cool,” they’d say, confident in their superior strength and endurance from all the rocks they carry around at all times. They’d shower me with very interesting facts about obsidian and hover just out of range of the cutting edge, waiting for me to exhaust myself. “But as it is volcanic glass, it’s very fragile, you see, and isn’t well-suited for use as a weap—” and then I’d hit them with the wooden baseball bat in my other hand, which they would not have noticed because geologists can only see rocks and minerals.
January 2022
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
More Copypastas

Nairoby Quezada I'm really disappointed in you

twitchquotes: Nairoby Quezada I'm really disappointed in you. Your recent food review on the Wendy's BBQ Burger™ has not lived up to your usual standard of quality. You did not even discuss the taste or texture of the new burger. I was really looking forward to your insights but I guess I'll have to look elsewhere. You better step up your review game if you want to keep your audience.
twitch chat
April 2019
NairoMK

Guys I am worried after what my homie did

twitchquotes: Guys I am worried after what my homie did. Me and my homie were bored one day so we got together and always said no homo. We adopted 2 kids and have spent 1 year together and we are engaged and getting married. So one day I am feeling horny and I go to my homie and we fuck, it's good, and I said no homo. 6 minutes in I notice his socks aren't on and then it hits me, he didn't say no homo I am shocked. I asked him to say no homo but he ignored me. Is he gay? Am I gay? How do I tell the kids that?
twitch chat
April 2020

KappaPride

Deadpool dabbing

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡨⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠄⠀⠄⢰⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢣⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣔⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣶⣶⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣶⣦⡀⢰⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣧⡄⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠤⠤⢤⣤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣶⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⡃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠃⠀⠀⠀⣠⣭⣭⣭⠝⠋⠉⠃⠀⠀⠀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣼⡿⢿⣿⣿⡇⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠾⠰⠶⢤⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠀⣼⣿⠃⠀⠀⢀⣿⠀⣰⣿⣿⡇⡸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠻⢿⣧⠀⠀⠀⢠⣷⣄⠀⠹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣿⡏⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⡔⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠈⠑⠲⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠈⠻⠟⠛⠛⠿⠿⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⣿⠟⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢄⠀⠂⠄⠂⠀⠀⠀⣶⣶⣶⣶⠀⠀⠈⠆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠁⠙⠛⣿⣿⠤⡼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⡿⠀⠀⠀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠙⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⠿⠃⠤⠀⠁⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢍⠀⣀⠀⠈⢀⡀⠀⠀⠀⢃⣥⣌⡀⠄⠀⠀⠛⠛⠗⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⢰⣿⣿⣾⣿⠋⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢮⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠣⣸⣿⣿⣿⠁⠀⠠⠀⠀⠊⠍⠍⠀⠀⠰⣄⣀⡀⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣤⣖⣰⠋⠁⠒⠒⢦⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣷⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣷⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀⢨⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀
January 2021

Joe Biden eat hot chip and lie

twitchquotes: He lets out a sigh and then a plastic smile. “Under the Biden administration,” he says, carefully “There will be a few new rules. It will be forbidden to cook,” The crowd gasps. “Everyone will have to eat McDonalds,” Jill hangs her head in shame. “You may have to charge your phone. You may have to twerk. Hell, you may even have to be bisexual.” An uproar starts in the crowd, but Biden ushers a silence with his next words “But it will all be worth it when we as a people can eat hot chip and lie. Thank you.” Biden leaves the podium to a thunderous applause. America is saved.
twitch chat
November 2020

I fucking hate Stuart Little

twitchquotes: I fucking hate Stuart Little. I know what you’re thinking, this is some kind of funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of shit. A damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero? And I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realise Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little fucking convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to fucking god, I’m going to kill myself and take that goddamn rodent to hell with me. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I approached the miserable mouse in the street, and asked him for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The fucking rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me. Turns out the mousefucker didnt write his autograph, no, he wrote “you’re a piece of shit, and i fucked your mom”. I’m now divorced, and planning a huge class-action lawsuit against the white devil that ruined my life. Your time is almost over, Stuart. All the people you’ve wronged will rise against you.
twitch chat
May 2020
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