[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
What happened to this ad? :(
More Copypastas

๐Ÿ†HAPPY SPANKSGIVING๐Ÿ’ฆ

โ€ผ๏ธITS๐Ÿ— SPANKSGIVING ๐Ÿ‚ BITCHESโ€ผ๏ธOn this day ๐Ÿ—“ many years ago ๐Ÿ˜ฎ the SLUTTY ๐Ÿ‘  PILGRIMS ๐ŸŽฉ sailed โ›ต๏ธ across the ASSlantic ๐ŸŒŠ HOEcean in a quest ๐Ÿ‘€to find ๐Ÿ”Ž more ๐Ÿ˜ COCKS ๐Ÿ† to SUCK! ๐Ÿ‘… Together with the ๐Ÿ˜ˆ NAUGHTY ๐Ÿ˜ˆ NATIVES ๐Ÿ‘น, they gathered ๐Ÿ‘ซ around the dinner table ๐Ÿฝ and had ๐ŸŽ‰ our nationโ€™s very 1๏ธโƒฃst GANG BANG! ๐Ÿ‘ฏโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ‘ฏโ€โ™‚๏ธ We honor ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป their ORGY ๐Ÿ˜ฎ every year ๐Ÿ“† by giving THANKS ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ to all ๐Ÿฅฐ thatโ€™s important โค๏ธ to us: Family ๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘งโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ, Friends ๐Ÿ‘ฌ, Freedom ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ธ, and DICK! ๐Ÿ†๐ŸŒฝ๐Ÿ‘… So grab your BUNS, ๐ŸžโœŠ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ‘Œsqueeze those BREASTS, ๐Ÿ—๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿคฒ and shove a cornaCOPIOUS ๐ŸŒฝ๐ŸŒฝ amount of DICK ๐Ÿ† ๐Ÿ˜ฉ into that hungry ๐Ÿ˜ฎ hungry HOLE! ๐Ÿ•ณ๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ‘… Ladies ๐Ÿ‘ฏโ€โ™€๏ธ, just like your ๐Ÿฆƒ THOTSgiving ๐Ÿฆƒ turkey, itโ€™s time โฐ to throw your legs ๐Ÿคธ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธin the air ๐Ÿคธ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธand prepare to get โžก๏ธ STUFFED ๐Ÿ™€! After dinner,๐Ÿดitโ€™s time ๐Ÿ˜ฎ for CUMPKIN PIE!! ๐Ÿฅง Show Daddy ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฝโ€๐Ÿฆณ how ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ thankful ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ you are and LICKK ๐Ÿ˜› his WishBONE ๐Ÿฆด until he gets as HARD ๐Ÿ”as PlyMOUTH rock โ›ฐ and shoots ๐Ÿ’ฆ his HOMEADE GRAVY ๐Ÿฅฃ! ๐Ÿ‘… Midnight ๐ŸŒ™ starts ๐Ÿ˜ˆ BLACK โฌ›๏ธ FRIDAY ๐Ÿ› so send ๐Ÿ“ค this to ๐Ÿ”Ÿ THOTS ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธyou are thankful ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ for! If you get 0๏ธโƒฃ back, sail ๐Ÿ”™ to England ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿป๐Ÿคฎ If you get 5๏ธโƒฃ back, youโ€™ll be getting your corn ๐ŸŒฝ CREAMED ๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿฅฐ. Get ๐Ÿ”Ÿ back or more, and the ๐Ÿ™€ BIGGEST, ๐Ÿ™€ GIRTHIEST, BLACKโšซ๏ธ FRIDAY ๐Ÿ† COCK ๐Ÿ˜ฑ is CUMMING ๐Ÿ’ฆYOUR WAY AT MIDNIGHT ๐Ÿ™€๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™€๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™€๐Ÿ˜
August 2021

Emoji Pasta

Holiday Emoji

Thanksgiving

NSFW

Holiday

Amogus Army

๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž๐“ŠนแŽฏ ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž ๐“Œœเถž ๐“Œฑเถž ๐“Œเถž
April 2022

Among Us / Amogus

I saw JPOW at the grocery store

I saw JPOW at the grocery store. I was buying a dozen eggs last night and the store was kind of slow since it was after dark. Some old boomer was in front of me and chatting away with the woman at the cash register. Everyone had masks on, but as soon as he spoke I recognized the voice. He was telling the lady how inflation is a good thing. She said how come inflation keeps going up but minimum wage never rises? He ignored her and pulls out a large sheet of $1 bills. He asks if she had scissors but she said no. He looked back at me and saw the eggs and said "You workout huh? Its good to stay healthy. I used to workout by lifting bales of hay after school in 1952. Eggs are a good source of energy, mind if I take one? " I shrugged and told him.go ahead. He opened my pack of eggs, takes one out, lowers his mask, just throws the whole thing in his mouth shell and all, puts his mask back up, and begins chewing loudly. As he's chewing he's crookedly folding and ripping a sheet of dollar bills handing them to the lady individually. While he's chewing he tells me it's a great time to buy bonds. I tell him I'm good. The store was short on change so he just pays the full dollar amount. He hands me a crooked bill that is almost ripped in half and says "thanks pal, in the future that single egg will be worth a dollar so we will call it even" Im heading to my car after and I see him and another boomer arguing. There was JPOW and he's arguing with a man built like a gnome wearing a poorly fit collared shirt. The little man spoke and I instantly knew it was Cramer. Cramer wanted JPOW to hurry up and stop hogging the best parking spot. JPOW tells Cramer that hes got his mask on inside out and upside down. They both start talking about inflation and then look deep into each other's eyes and start making out with their masks on. It was a pretty weird.
February 2021

WallStreetBets

Classic

You didn't ask? (response to Who Asked?)

You didn't ask? That's amazing, are you a dictator? A god? The most important person in the world? No? Then why would you say that like it matters? "I come out as a homosexual, this is really hard for me and I hope you respect that." "Did I ask?" no, you did not ask, we couldn't care less if you asked, you are nothing compared to the universe. Do you think your opinion holds a higher meaning than anyone else's? You could've said anything, something creative, even an ok or you not saying a word would be better than the phrase "Did I ask?" we get it, you never asked, but did anyone ask about you asking? Even if you said that you traveled the world to find out who asked, who asked you to do that? You didn't ask for their opinion, but nobody asked if you care at all. You aren't creative or smart. Even a caveman grunts and ooga boogas would be better than that phrase. Now stop pretending to be a god and go back to school to learn how to respect people
November 2021

Who Asked?

Text-to-Speech Playing