[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
I used to be a real ad
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Racoon

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢉⣴⣶⣤⠀⣿⣿ ⡿⢛⣉⣉⣉⣉⡛⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⣡⣴⠏⠁⠀⡚⠀⢸⣿ ⠁⣿⠉⢀⡉⠉⢿⣷⣄⠈⠉⠁⣠⣀⣤⡀⣤⣤⣀⣴⠂⢺⠧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⣿ ⠀⢷⣀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⣷⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⡟⠃⠠⢄⣀⢀⡴⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿ ⣧⠈⠣⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠸⠛⠃⠉⠋⠹⠀⠃⠁⠀⠀⠀⠺⣟⣷⣦⣄⠙⠿⣿⣿ ⣿⣇⢈⢿⣷⣾⣦⡤⢴⣿⣶⡀⢠⣔⣤⣤⡀⠀⠲⣾⣿⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠈⢻ ⣿⠏⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⡻⣿⠀⠘⠿⡟⠡⠄⢉⡼⢿⣿⣿⣦⠈ ⡏⣨⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⡁⠐⠃⠈⠀⠐⠀⠀⣀⢠⡤⣾⠃⠀⠉⠛⠛⢠ ⠁⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠁⠘⠿⣶⣤⠴⠶⢟⣰⣶⣾⣿⣷⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾ ⡀⢿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠁⢠⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣟⠿⣿⡆⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿ ⣷⡄⠛⠟⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣤⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡃⠈⠁⠀⠘⣡⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣶⣤⣤⣤⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣈⣛⣉⣉⡙⠋⠋⠁⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
January 2020

I finally did it. I out-pizza'd the Hut

I finally did it. I out-pizza'd the Hut. It was the greatest mistake of my life. After years of perfecting my recipe, I made my way down to the local hut, fresh-baked pizza pie in hand. "Try this," I told the kid working the counter. He did, and he had to agree that it was better than anything Pizza Hut had to offer. Soon, the entire store, customers included, was feasting on my delicious pie. The manager walked over, grabbed a slice, and took a bite. I look at him, anticipation rising. This was the boss, the local fief lord of the Hut. His approval meant more to me than all the rest combined. He took a bite and nodded. "I'll be damned," he said, "you really did it. You out-pizza'd the Hut. Shame." Shame? What did he mean by tha- the manager pulled a gun out from behind his apron and shot the nearest customer in the head. "We have a Code Jalapeño," he said into his wrist as he executed the remaining customers. "I repeat, we have a Code Jalapeño." The ground was slick with blood. The kid working the counter choked out his dying breath as the manager turned to me. "You just had to do it motherfucker. You just had to out-pizza the Hut." He shoved the gun in my face. I was too scared to fight, too scared to run. The manager pulled the trigger. A click. The gun was empty. I threw a chair at the manager and scrambled out of the Pizza Hut, not even bothering to see if my missile hit its mark. I was closely pursued by the manager, who had gotten his hands on a deadly sharp pizza cutter. I suspected in his hands it would cut more than pizza. Somehow, I was able to get into my car and speed off, the manager cursing my existence as I left him behind. I took a deep breath. The manager was clearly psychotic. Yes, that was it, just a crazy man with a gun. It had to be. My phone rang. Sister. I picked it. "They're dead, she sobbed. They're all dead. M-mom, dad, Chris, Bill. Dead. They killed them all." I could barely understand her, so great were her sobs. "What do you mean? Where are you?" I asked urgently. "How is this possi-" a single gunshot sounded through my phone's speakers. Silence. Then, I heard a man's voice. "No one out-pizzas the Hut." He hung up. I drove down the empty county road, mind blank. I had nothing. They killed my family. I was alone. At that moment I knew what I had to do. They took everything from me. Well then, I would take everything from them. Pizza Hut was so terrified of being out-pizza'd, they forgot there's one thing worse than a man with a recipe: A man with nothing to lose. I'll give them a limited time offer they won't be able to refuse: two bullets for the price of one. With a free side order of pain.
May 2021

WHERE IS SODAPOPPIN?

twitchquotes: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ PANTS ARE DOWN, DICK IS FLOPPIN, WHERE THE FUCK IS SODAPOPPIN ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ノ
twitch chat
May 2019
sodapoppin

FNC, aka "Feed N' Cry"

twitchquotes: FNC, aka "Feed N' Cry", are another contender in the LEC (Low Elo Clowns) , who are known for their fiesta gameplay and their captain, Rekkles, a KDA player who currently holds the League of Legends record for most times crying on stage after losing
twitch chat
September 2019
Riot Games

League of Legends

I love Art of Conquest!

twitchquotes: My $0.99 starter bundle put me well above the other players. But, when I reached the first enemy castle. I couldn't beat it. I checked the in game shop. "BONUS SILVER TROOPS $4.99 EXPIRES IN 3:14:28" I happily spent $4.99. Shortly after I came across an elite boss I couldnt beat. So I checked the in game shop. "BONUS GOLD TROOPS. 5000 RESOURCES. $19.99 EXPIRES IN 1:05:39" It's about to expire! I quickly entered my credit card and bought the bundle, it was such a steal. I love Art of Conquest!
twitch chat
January 2018
Kripp

sellout

Text-to-Speech Playing