[Copypasta] Kelly Loeffler after Georgia senate election

Kelly Loeffler I know you're at home right now feeling a little sad. And now you're in bed browsing WSB looking for hot stock tips with maybe a few laughs. But just know this: I will have sex with you. DM me.
January 2021

WallStreetBets

Kelly Loeffler loses the Georgia senate election
I used to be a real ad
More WallStreetBets Copypastas

Drunk at Applebees

I donā€™t care if thereā€™s a microchip in the vaccine. Iā€™d let them put a whole MacBook Pro inside of me if it meant I could get drunk at Applebees again
December 2020

WallStreetBets

Apple announces an EV program

Oh boy I can't wait until 2024 when I can wake up to my Apple Homepod Siri alarm and check my Apple Watch for notifications and take a shower in my Apple Big Douche then put my makeup on before work in my Apple Mirror then take my Apple Car to my job at Apple Phone Plant #584 so I can work on my Mac Pro workstation designing the latest Apple Product the iShit smart toilet that syncs with your iAsshole to sense when you have a massive log brewing in my large intestine and sends me a notification to my apple colonoscopy bag. Russian hackers will know what I had for dinner.
December 2020

WallStreetBets

Bears after a green day

Itā€™s 4:01pm. Bears solemnly log out of their devastated brokerage account, get up from their makeshift desk made up of a stack of empty Michelinaā€™s frozen lasagna dinners, head up the stairs of their fatherā€™s basement, grab the keys to their tan ā€˜97 Chevy Cavalier and a cloth mask embroidered with the word ā€œVOTE,ā€ and drive down the street to the local gay bar for a holiday themed burlesque show.
December 2021

WallStreetBets

Darth Bearish the Regarded

Did you ever hear the tragedy of "Darth Bearish the Regarded"? I thought not. Itā€™s not a story any bull would tell you. Itā€™s an ancient Bear legend. Darth Bearish was a Dark Lord of the Bears, so well capitalized and so regarded he could use Leverage to influence gamma to create profitsā€¦ He had such a knowledge of the dark side of Leverage that he could even keep other traders he cared about from being margin called. But the dark side of Leverage is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural. He became so bearishā€¦ the only thing he was afraid of was losing his positions, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice reversed his positions in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from bankruptcy, but not himself!
June 2022

Tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise

WallStreetBets

Robinhood halts trading on President's Day

This is bullshit. Iā€™m disgusted and Iā€™m honestly on the verge of having a mental fucking breakdown. Robinhood has once again halted trading. But this time itā€™s halted on all stocks. This fine Monday morning I wake up to find that all orders arenā€™t going to be filled till tomorrow morning. My dadā€™s wifeā€™s girlfriend is a powerful lawyer in Boca Raton and Iā€™m seriously considering retaining her services and filing a class action lawsuit against these citadel dick munchers. This has happened to me too many times. Iā€™m low key spiraling into madness. Donate to me on onlyfans if you want to contribute towards the legal fees. Sheā€™s giving me a pretty kickass discount, but she estimates itā€™s still going to cost $150k. This happens to be the amount I lost on gme, but this is not relevant to the conversation here. Itā€™s time to rise up and take down robinhood once and for all. Also, yeah my stepmom has a girlfriend. Itā€™s 2021 you bigots.
February 2021

WallStreetBets

More WallStreetBets Copypastas
Text-to-Speech Playing