[Copypasta] Just as the founding fathers intended

I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
November 2020
What happened to this ad? :(
More Copypastas

What makes me a good Demoman? Meet the Demoman

What makes me a good Demoman? If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I? Let's do it! Not one of ya's gonna' survive this! One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch... and kablooie! I got a manky eye. I'm a black, Scottish cyclops. So T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cocksure! Prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say!I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable... with an unhappy bloody end! Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together... in hell!
January 2024

Team Fortress 2

Hey Aura, thanks for telling me about Energizer batteries

twitchquotes: Hey Aura, thanks for telling me about Energizer batteries. Before Energizer I would be listening to my walkman and the battery would die and then I could hear my wife in the other room having sex with you. That would lead me to tears. Now using Energizer the battery doesn't die as quickly and I can listen to your VODs that I ripped without your permission on repeat and not notice her taking it hard. I don't need to rehydrate as often since I won't be crying. Thank you
twitch chat
July 2020
Aurateur

Chibi Link

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⡿⣟⢟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣻⠽⡝⡎⡏⠭⡪⠪⡒⣽⣽⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣻⢝⢎⢝⢜⠸⡨⢊⢌⠪⡈⢪⢸⢸⢽⢯⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢟⢵⠹⡘⠔⡡⠑⢠⣕⣬⣖⣮⡾⠯⢟⣆⠣⡫⡹⡱⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣵⡥⡊⠄⣗⢶⡛⠖⣶⣿⣟⡗⠞⢿⢯⣗⡇⢅⠣⡱⡙⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡯⠌⡮⣿⣿⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⢸⣟⢮⡺⡔⠡⡊⡎⡼⣿⣟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣵⡹⡙⡇⢟⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣟⣾⣻⣟⣟⣞⡝⡞⡆⡑⡘⡨⢨⡢⣧⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣷⣟⡯⡇⠪⡿⣞⣯⡿⣫⣖⢮⢜⢮⡺⡜⡎⡇⡃⢜⢼⠸⢑⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡯⣣⣥⠷⣿⣮⡝⢕⠵⡹⡪⡣⡣⡣⡣⢃⢂⠂⢇⢆⣢⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠿⡫⣵⣕⣛⣽⣕⠿⡷⣧⣈⡢⡁⠅⢁⢂⢂⢢⣿⣔⠅⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⡯⢏⣞⣯⣟⣛⢿⢽⢟⡽⣎⢯⢝⡝⡦⡁⢆⠐⢴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⡿⡸⡪⣓⣛⣛⡝⡿⢿⢝⢞⢎⢇⢵⢹⢌⢢⠑⢌⠘⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢎⡎⡌⠪⢸⡑⡘⡜⠅⡃⡱⠡⡣⡣⡣⢃⠪⡊⢆⠌⠨⣻⣿⡿⠛⢋⠙⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣧⢻⢌⢬⢜⠸⠨⡨⡐⢔⢌⢌⢎⠎⠆⢂⠑⢌⡂⠅⢌⢢⢛⠠⠊⡄⡛⡻⡻⡿⢿⢿⠿⡿⡿⢿⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⢜⡤⡱⢸⠨⠪⡐⡨⡰⡑⡅⡇⠅⠨⢈⠐⠠⢘⠠⠐⡐⠄⡂⢕⢦⢪⢦⣗⣮⣷⣭⣮⣮⣾⡵⣧⣧⡻⣿ ⣿⣿⣪⡣⣝⢭⢊⢆⢇⢇⠇⠡⢐⠨⠐⢌⠊⠅⠅⢌⢻⣄⢕⢰⣶⣾⣼⣵⣷⣽⣺⡯⡿⣷⣿⡯⡺⣚⣮⣾ ⣿⣿⣿⣾⣜⢜⢜⡮⠘⠂⠆⠅⢢⣡⠑⠐⠁⡁⠅⠱⢿⣿⣴⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⡹⠈⠄⠠⠄⣿⣿⡈⠄⡀⠄⠄⠐⡐⠐⠽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⡊⠄⠡⢈⣄⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣷⣶⣶⣷⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
September 2021

MrDestructoid ERROR public static void

twitchquotes: MrDestructoid Anyone who thinks mobile games can't be amazing has never played Art of Conquest! My friends are all having a blast already, and I'll be joining them right away! I'll also be subscribing to Kripp's channel to stay up to date! MrDestructoid ERROR public static void WaitTime(NULL)
twitch chat
June 2017
Kripp

Viewbots

Last night I shoved live gerbils in my ass for the first time. AMA

July 2022

Confessions

Text-to-Speech Playing