[Copypasta] without throwing your cat across the room

twitchquotes: Hello this is Twitch staff. Unfortunately we have been notified that you have now reached 24 hours of stream time without throwing your cat across the room. As stated in our TOS, we require that all streamers must throw at least one pet a distance of 3 metres on camera in order to maintain the ability to stream. Failure to do so will result in your stream being disabled permanently. We will now unfortunately have to terminate your account. Thank you for your cooperation.
twitch chat
November 2019
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

A single Dongerbill can save a life

twitchquotes: Hello, I'm Sarah McLanchdong. Every day millions of poor, helpless dongers go unraised everyday. Dongers that are abused and negated, like this poor fellow ΰΌΌ β–€ΜΏ ΜΏ Ω„ΝŸΰΊˆ ΰΌ½. For just one Dongerbill [Μ²$Μ²(Μ² Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°Μ²)Μ²$Μ²] a day we can help save these forgotten dongers (β—‰_☒) ΰΌΌ ͝°ʖಠ ΰΌ½ ( Ν‘Β°Ω„Νœ ΒΊ) from a life time of being lowered. Your there only hope, because just a minute of your time and a single Dongerbill [Μ²$Μ²(Μ² Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°Μ²)Μ²$Μ²] can save a life.
twitch chat
November 2014

Classic

Ban hammer

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–€β–€β–„β–„β–„β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–€β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–€β–„β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–„β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–‘β–ˆβ–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–€β–„β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–€β–„β–ˆβ–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–€β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–€β–ˆβ–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
November 2014

Be careful with what emojis you react with

Ok everyone since you don’t listen when I’m nice, I’m going to get mean. Reacting to messages with a clown (🀑), a skull (πŸ’€), or a nerd face (πŸ€“) isn’t funny. It’s not cool, it’s not interesting, it’s annoying. These 3 emojis in particular aren’t funny, they’re RUDE. We as staff work hard to keep this place safe, and to have you all constantly react to our messages with mean emojis makes me FURIOUS. STOP reacting to our messages with rude emojis. They do NOTHING but make you look really, really stupid. It shows you have no rebuttals to our arguments, so you have to use juvenile tactics paramount to terrorism in order to stop us from being able to speak out truth. FROM NOW ON, IF YOU REACT WITH ANY MEAN EMOJIS, I AM WRITING YOUR NAME DOWN. IF YOU ARE A SERIAL REACTOR, YOUR USERNAME IS GOING TO A GOOGLE DOC. AT THE END OF THE MONTH, I WILL TAKE THIS DOC TO THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITIES FOR THEM TO INVESTIGATE AND ARREST YOU. This is your ONLY warning. Tread carefully…
July 2022

Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon

twitchquotes: Today I attempted to insert a whole cantaloupe melon into my anus because the local shops had run out of apricots (I buy a lot). Using about a gallon of butter, breathing techniques and a few hours I managed to finally get it inside. However it was too uncomfortable so I tried to shit it back out.This is where things got confusing because rather than a melon sliding out half a dozen apricots did. Now there is a chance that I just blacked out upon excreting the cantaloupe and it rolled away somewhere and that I happened to have a dozen or so left over apricots lying around my rectum from earlier but I cannot for the life of me find the melon anywhere.I think I may have the power to anally turn melons into apricots. Further experimentation will be required of course (once my rectum has recovered) but if this turns out to be true then I may be able to solve world hunger.
twitch chat
April 2019

GET BACK TO WORK Kripp shouts

twitchquotes: GET BACK TO WORK Kripp shouts into his bedroom closet! None of you get any lettuce until you read every Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube comment and respond to my viewers USELESS DRIVEL. 4 small chinese boys look up with tears in their eyes then get back to work. Your YouTube comment suddenly gets a heart.
twitch chat
July 2018
Kripp
Text-to-Speech Playing