[Copypasta] without throwing your cat across the room

twitchquotes: Hello this is Twitch staff. Unfortunately we have been notified that you have now reached 24 hours of stream time without throwing your cat across the room. As stated in our TOS, we require that all streamers must throw at least one pet a distance of 3 metres on camera in order to maintain the ability to stream. Failure to do so will result in your stream being disabled permanently. We will now unfortunately have to terminate your account. Thank you for your cooperation.
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November 2019
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
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I downloaded Sonic games on my school computer

So yesterday in class we were all given our new Windows computers (last year, I hacked the chromebooks so they could play Sonic Advance) and I immediately downloaded twenty-five PC Sonic games within one hour and installed two dozen emulators to play the console and handheld ones. After we all got our computers, I bragged about having the ability to play 60 Sonic games. The teacher confisticated my computer and said I would have to use the chromebooks for the rest of the year. She also said that Sonic was a dead franchise and that Fortnite was better in every way. That was really no good and SLOW of her! So I ripped my computer out of my Sonic-hating teacher and screamed "YOU SLUTTY SLOW SONIC HATER! YOU'RE JUST TOO SLOW!" I also went to her macbook, and deleted Fortnite and installed more Sonic games and played Gotta Go Fast to the whole class. She gave me an F, which is impossible since E is the lowest rank and S is the highest, and sent me to the principal's office, where I was suspended and they called my parents, who took away my Game Gear. When I get back, I'll make sure they pay for being TOO SLOW.
July 2021

Stonks only go up. But you don't.

You watch her as she brushes her hair. She’s humming a song you can’t quite hear and smiling to herself. Not for the first time, you wonder why this person chose you. She turns. “What do you want for Christmas?” You want to scream Save your money!, but you only shrug. “Nothing, really.” “Nothing?” She crawls into bed and touches your leg. “Are you sure?” Again, you wonder why this person chose you. As she takes the weight of you in her hand, your mind wanders. To your puts. They’ll expire worthless, like you. After several minutes of failing to conjure your manhood, she asks, “What’s wrong?” Stonks only go up. But you don’t.
December 2020

WallStreetBets

The Battle of Gamestop rages on.

The Battle of Gamestop rages on. Pre-market we could hear the bears in no-man’s land, baiting us towards higher prices so the shorts could do their dirty work. I was stationed at the 13.80 line, and knew the morning was going to be hot. I shoveled a breakfast of tendies and said a quick prayer to Father Cohen. When the bell rang, the bears surged into our trenches. Blood and rainbow fur filled the air and littered the ground. The Diamond Division has seen worse days, and we held firm. As the bears retreated we gave chase to retake ground we’d lost in the past week. As I caught my breath near the 14.50, I could see bodies everywhere; paper hands who had fallen in earlier battles. One of them groaned and reached a hand towards me. I spat on him and kept moving. No honor in retreat, and no sympathy for self-inflicted wounds. This war won’t be won in a day, but it will be won. Tell my wife’s boyfriend to tell her I love her.
December 2020

WallStreetBets

Crewmate Amogus Ghost

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May 2022

Among Us / Amogus

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