[Copypasta] Sir you have been found with Rocket League hacks

twitchquotes: Sir you have been found with Rocket League hacks. A SWAT team is on the way to your location. Make sure the door is open, otherwise they are ready to break it down. Don't destroy any evidence and don't contact your accomplices! Prepare disks, flash drives and any other multimedia devices containing illegal materials, proving your criminality. Be prepared to answer the questions during your interrogation! Cooperate and don't deny the charges against you.
twitch chat
June 2019
I used to be a real ad
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among us got banned at daycare

Fun fact among us got banned at the daycare where I work at Turns out, you know how youtube has the autoplay thing ? Well one day the kids were watching among us songs on YT when autoplay changed it to the among us twerking video, 10 hour version to be exact, and ALL the kids tried twerking So thats how among us got banned
July 2022

Among Us / Amogus

Just as the founding fathers intended

I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
November 2020

Dear Twitch Partners, Our community members are always our priority

twitchquotes: Dear ๐Ÿ‘‹ Twitch Partners ๐Ÿค , Our ๐Ÿ‘‰ community members ๐Ÿ‘ช are always โ˜‘๏ธ our priority ๐Ÿ›‘. We received ๐Ÿ“ฅ some reports โ— describing โŒจ๏ธ the discomfort โ˜น๏ธ some of our members ๐Ÿ—ฃ๏ธ felt after a Twitch Rivals ๐Ÿคผ participant used "KE*W" and "mo*kaS," ๐Ÿ˜ถ both emotes are often โฒ๏ธ used in toxic ๐Ÿ’€ contexts. Please ๐Ÿ™ refrain from using such emotes, and use KEKHeim & CaitlynS instead ๐Ÿ‘. Best regards ๐Ÿ‘‹, Twitch Team ๐Ÿ’Œ
twitch chat
November 2021

Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck in my ass

I currently have a Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck in my ass. I am male if it matters. I've always been into putting things in my ass I don't know why, I'm not gay or anything I just like how it feels. Well I got drunk last night and decided to play with my ass and I hadn't gone shopping so I was out of carrots and cucumbers so I looked around and I saw my Buzz Lightyear action figure and thought "why not?" I've put action figures up there before because they feel different and it's funny. I grabbed Buzz, lubed him up and put him up against my asshole and started sliding him in. "To infinity and beyond!" I moaned as Buzz entered me. The only problem is that he has those wings that expand and so they popped open nearly splitting me in half and now he's stuck in there and I can't get him out. I know I need to go to the emergency room but honestly I'm scared and ashamed. I've managed to hide it from my wife so far but I think she's getting suspicious and can tell something is wrong. I'm going to try to sneak to the ER later and hopefully get it taken care of without her finding out.
July 2022

Confessions

Ben Shapiro plays Among Us

Now let's say hypothetically I was the impostor. How would I get from reactor to medbay in that timespan, from which we saw each other, till you found yellow dead. Also if I were the impostor hypothetically speaking, how would I have finished all my tasks.
September 2020

Among Us / Amogus

Ben Shapiro

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