[Copypasta] Sir you have been found with Rocket League hacks

twitchquotes: Sir you have been found with Rocket League hacks. A SWAT team is on the way to your location. Make sure the door is open, otherwise they are ready to break it down. Don't destroy any evidence and don't contact your accomplices! Prepare disks, flash drives and any other multimedia devices containing illegal materials, proving your criminality. Be prepared to answer the questions during your interrogation! Cooperate and don't deny the charges against you.
twitch chat
June 2019
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

Am I The Asshole for not being able to trade options for my dad? I’m 6.

This started about 4 years ago when I was 2 years old. My dad started to supplement me picture books and cartoons with beginner options books and Martin Shkerli's live videos on how to pick pharmaceutical stocks. Over the course of these years I have retained absolutely nothing even though my dad has spent every waking minute trying to make me understand. He has done almost everything including having Jerome Powell's speeches play while I am sleeping and only having Warren Buffet on the TV to try and make me understand the market. Yesterday, he got to a breaking point when I couldn't differentiate between a straddle and a strangle even though we went through different strategies for almost a month straight. My dad finally convinced my mom that they were doing the right thing when he said that I will soon be a Wendy's worker begging my wife's husband for a weekly allowance because I will never amount to be anything. He couldn't fathom raising a kid who was not able to able to make a profit from trading options by the time he was 10. With all that said, if anyone wants a 6 year old child who is shitty at market strategy, plz adopt me from Eternal Sunny Orphanage in Omaha, Nebraska.
September 2021

WallStreetBets

Am I The Asshole?

Ukrainian President asks Kripp for help

twitchquotes: ʜᴇʟʟᴏ, ᴋʀɪᴘᴘᴀʀʀɪɴᴏ, ᴛʜɪs ɪs ᴜᴋʀᴀɴɪᴀɴ ᴘʀᴇsɪᴅᴇɴᴛ ᴏʟᴇᴋsᴀɴᴅʀ ᴛᴜʀᴄʜʏɴᴏᴠɪɴᴏ. ᴏᴜʀ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴏᴘᴘʀᴇssᴇᴅ ʙʏ ʀᴜssɪᴀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏᴜʀ ᴄɪᴛɪᴢᴇɴs ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴏʀᴀɴɢᴇ ᴊᴜɪᴄᴇ. ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ sᴇɴᴅ ᴏᴊ. ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ ɴᴏ ᴀʟ ᴘᴀᴄɪɴᴏ.
twitch chat
March 2014
Kripp

bruh moments

My gf gets mad when I call her cheating “bruh moments” and I’m not sure what to do She hooked up with some guys and instead of breaking down and crying or whatever she wanted me to do I just played bruh bass boosted for five minutes while staring at her so she’s angry now but what should I do
July 2022

Confessions

AITA for not telling my wife about all the hitchhikers I killed in the 70s?

Back when I (68M) was a young and dumb twenty-something, I spent a few carefree years in Southern California raping, torturing, and murdering hitchhikers. I don't want any judgement from SJWs about this, please, if you didn't live in Cali in the 1970s, you wouldn't understand. It was just what we did back in those days. Eventually I grew up, got married, had three beautiful kids, and was content to just get off to my trophies and polaroids, and maybe kill the occasional drifter on special occasions. The other day, my wife (37F) found the hidden panel in my basement wall where I keep all the old memories, and she went ballistic. I tried to calm her down, explained that, firstly, they were all dudes, so she shouldn't exactly be getting jealous. Second, they're all dead, so it's not like she's going to have to worry about me leaving her for any of them. Third, there were like three or four other guys doing the same thing around then, and they took the credit for most of my kills. I was very careful, covered my tracks, rarely finished inside them. I don't know why she's got her knickers in such a twist. Quite frankly, I'm feeling really hurt about the whole thing. We've been together for nearly thirty years, and she's thinking about leaving me over something like this? Maybe I should have been more honest, but I was raised to see this as men's business, not something you involve your old lady in. Am I the asshole?
August 2021

AITA

Sloth

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿⠻⠿⢿⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠉⠈⠉⠉⠄⢠⠄⠄⢀⠄⠄⡬⠛⢿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡿⡿⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠅⠄⠅⠄⠐⠄⠄⠄⠁⠤⠄⠛⢿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠍⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣀⠄⣀⣠⣀⠄⢈⣑⣢⣤⡄⠔⠫⢻⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⡏⠂⠄⠄⢀⣠⣤⣤⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣮⣔⠂⡙⣿⣿ ⡿⠄⠄⣠⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣈⣿ ⠇⠄⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠿⠿⢿⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡧⣼ ⠄⠄⠽⠿⠟⠋⠁⠙⠄⢠⣿⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡠⢌⣧⠄⠈⠛⠉⠛⠐⡋⢹ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣠⣾⡿⠑⠚⠋⠛⠛⠻⢿⣿⣿⣶⣤⡄⢀⣀⣀⡀⠈⠄⢸ ⣄⠄⠄⠄⢰⣾⠟⠋⠛⠛⠂⠄⠄⠄⠄⠒⠂⠛⡿⢟⠻⠃⠄⢼⣿⣿⣷⠤⠁⢸ ⣿⡄⠄⢀⢝⢓⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⠠⠶⢺⣿⣯⣵⣦⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠄⢸ ⣿⣿⡀⠄⠈⠄⠄⠄⠠⢾⣷⣄⢄⣀⡈⡀⠠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⢏⣀⣾ ⣿⣿⣷⣄⠄⠄⠄⢀⠈⠈⠙⠑⠗⠙⠙⠛⠄⠈⠹⠻⢿⡻⣿⠿⢿⣝⡑⢫⣾⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠑⠐⠚⣨⣤⣾⣿⣿
November 2018
Text-to-Speech Playing