[Copypasta] There is no such thing as freedom of speech on Twitch

twitchquotes: There is no such thing as freedom of speech on Twitch. Freedom of speech means the Government can't police your speech. None of us are government actors. This is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship with the head of said dictatorship being the streamer and the enforcement of the dictators laws falling to the mods
twitch chat
July 2022
What happened to this ad? :(
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Just as the founding fathers intended

I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
November 2020

Cute squid

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠟⠛⠛⠻⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣉⣤⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣤⣉⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡟⣡⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡌⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡟⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡇⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡇⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣇⢹⣿⡿⠋⠉⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠿⣿⣿⡇⣸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡈⢿⣇⠀⠀⢀⣿⣿⡿⢿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣾⡿⢁⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⠟⢿⣷⡘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⣴⣤⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢃⣾⡿⠻⣿⣿ ⡏⡄⠸⠟⠃⠈⠛⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠛⠻⣿⡿⠁⠘⠿⠇⢀⢹⣿ ⡅⣿⣄⠀⣰⣾⣿⣷⡄⠘⠟⣡⣶⣿⣿⣦⠈⠁⠰⠿⠃⣠⣿⢸⣿ ⣷⡹⢿⡀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⣴⣿⣿⡟⢁⡀⠀⢰⣤⣶⣾⣿⢃⣾⣿ ⣿⣿⣦⣀⠸⣿⣿⡟⠃⠸⣿⣿⣿⡇⠘⣛⠂⠾⠿⢟⣋⣵⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡘⠿⣿⠰⣶⣍⣛⣛⣃⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⣀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
ascii art
September 2021

YOINK

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⢻⣿⠟⢉⣀⣤⠞⠁⠀⣠⣴⣶⣄⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠁⠐⠋⠁⠀⠉⠉⠀⠀⢠⣾⣿⡿⠿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⢻⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠀⠀⣀⡤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠉⠁⠀⠀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣷⣶⣤⣾⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠟⠁⠀⢀⡴⠋⠀⢀⣠⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠛⠋⠁⠀⠀⣰⠏⠀⣠⠞⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⢀⡾⠁⣠⠴⠞⠋⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠚⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠛⠁⠀⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣤⣤⣤⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⡟⠛⢿⣿⡿⠛⣿⡿⠟⠛⠻⢿⣿⡿⠛⢿⣿⠛⠛⣿⣿⠛⢿⣿⠟⢻⣿⡿⠛⢻ ⣿⡄⠈⡿⠁⢰⣿⠀⢰⣷⡆⠀⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⠀⠀⠸⣿⠀⢸⣿⠀⢸⡟⠁⣰⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡄⠀⢠⣿⣿⠀⢸⣿⡇⠀⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⠀⢰⡀⠹⠀⢸⣿⠀⠈⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⣿⠀⢸⣿⡇⠀⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⠀⢸⣧⠀⠀⢸⣿⠀⢠⣷⡀⠸⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣇⣀⣿⣿⣿⣤⣈⣉⣁⣴⣇⣀⣸⣿⣀⣸⣿⣇⣀⣸⣿⣀⣸⣿⣧⣀⣹⣿
ascii art
April 2019

I've been making fake sub names for Kripp

twitchquotes: Hey, my name is Carlton Pasterino. I have something to confess. For the last 3 years I've been making fake sub names for Kripp. He pays me pennies and dimes to come up with 50 new names a day. From Thundercuck to MrRabbit69, I've made over 80% of his subs up for him. I'm tired of working like a child laborer. I'm ready to go back to college and make something of myself. I'm here to let the world know.
twitch chat
December 2016
Kripp

Classic

Comedy God has entered the building: Attack Helicopter

I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter WEE WOO WEE WOO ALERT! COMEDY GOD HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING! GET TO COVER! steps on stage Bystander: "Oh god! Don't do it! I have a family!" Comedy God: "Heh..." adjusts fedora the building is filled with fear and anticipation God and Jesus himself looks on in suspense comedy god clears throat everything is completely quiet not a single sound is heard world leaders look and wait with dread everything in the world stops nothing is happening comedy god smirks no one is prepared for what is going to happen comedy god musters all of this power he bellows out to the world "ATTACK" absolute suspense everyone is filled with overwhelming dread "HELICOPTER" all at once, absolute pandemonium commences all nuclear powers launch their nukes at once giant brawls start 43 wars are declared simultaneously a shockwave travels around the earth earth is driven into chaos humanity is regressed back to the stone age the pure funny of that joke destroyed civilization itself all the while people are laughing harder than they ever did people who aren't killed die from laughter literally the funniest joke in the world then the comedy god himself posts his creation to reddit and gets karma
August 2021

Classic

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