[Copypasta] Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)

I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
January 2021

Classic

WallStreetBets

I used to be a real ad
More Classic Copypastas

Oops I dropped my CONGA LINE

twitchquotes: Oops I dropped my CONGA LINE πŸƒπŸšΆ πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ CONGA LINE πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ CONGA LINE πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ CONGA LINE πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ CONGA LINE πŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆπŸ’ƒπŸƒπŸšΆ
twitch chat
October 2015

Classic

I am coming back from my 10 minute ban

twitchquotes: I am coming back from my 10 minute ban, and I want to say that I think it was bullshit. Yes, I wrote a funny paragraph that turned into copypasta, which happened to bring a laugh or a smile to a few people. If you mods wanted that to stop, you could have just said so, there is so much copypasta going on in this chat that I could have never thought that deserved a 10 minute ban. Reggie is probably a mod in here and he is the one that banned me. Anyway, I'm glad to be back
twitch chat
April 2021

Classic

MODS

My daughter was born with a hearing impairment

twitchquotes: My daughter was born with a hearing impairment than ultimately left her deaf shortly after birth. I have been working for years to pay for a new surgery that would allow her to hear again. Today was her 8th birthday and I managed to get her what she's always wanted for her birthday, the sense of hearing. I decided to let her listen in on what Daddy has been watching late at night and I turn on your stream and what do I hear? Silence. Now she's crying thinking she's deaf again, Nice job Kripp.
twitch chat
June 2017
Kripp

Classic

Japan heart surgeon and yakuza boss

In Japan πŸ‡―πŸ‡΅ , heart surgeon β€οΈπŸ‘¨β€βš•οΈ . Number one 😭☝️ . Steady handπŸ˜³βœ‹οΈ. One day, Yakuza boss πŸ™‡πŸ»need πŸ†• heartπŸ’˜. I do operationπŸ”ͺβš”οΈ. But, mistake😱! Yakuza boss die😡πŸ˜ͺ! Yakuza very madπŸ‘Ώ. I hideπŸ™ˆ in fishing boatπŸŸπŸš£πŸ»β€β™€οΈ, come to AmericaπŸŽ‡πŸŽŠπŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ. No english🀐, no food😩, no moneyπŸ“‰πŸš«πŸ’². Darryl πŸ‘¨πŸΏgive me jobπŸ™ŒπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’Ό. Now I have house🏑, American car πŸš— , and new woman πŸ†•πŸ‘±πŸ»β€β™€οΈ. Darryl πŸ‘¨πŸΏsave lifeβ›‘. My big secretπŸ™Š: I kill ☠️yakuza boss on purpose😈. I good πŸ‘surgeon. The bestπŸ‘ŒπŸ’―!
July 2019

Emoji Pasta

Classic

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?

twitchquotes: Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.
twitch chat
April 2017

Tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise

Classic

Text-to-Speech Playing