[Copypasta] Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)

I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
January 2021

Classic

WallStreetBets

I used to be a real ad
More Classic Copypastas

As a teemo main at a respectably high elo

twitchquotes: As a teemo main at a respectably high elo, this game is hard to watch. Literally cringing at some of these mistakes. If you actually want to learn teemo PM me (im gold 3 24lp) I also do coaching
twitch chat
April 2018

Classic

League of Legends

You cheated not only the game, but yourself

twitchquotes: You cheated not only the game, but yourself. You didn't grow. You didn't improve. You took a shortcut and gained nothing. You experienced a hollow victory. Nothing was risked and nothing was gained. It's sad that you don't know the difference.
twitch chat
April 2019

Classic

Remove this part of the message after pasteing in chat

twitchquotes: Wow great game!! PogChamp PogChamp (remove this part of the message after pasteing in chat, your $1 has been sent to your Paypal account, Bethesda)
twitch chat
March 2017
Kripp

sellout

Classic

Moon emoji blob

๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŽฉ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ’๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ–๐ŸŒ‘๐Ÿ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐Ÿ‘๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ—๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐Ÿ‘„๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ”๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ’๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŽ€๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ”๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ”๐Ÿ†๐ŸŒ‘๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ–๐ŸŒ’๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ—๐ŸŒ’๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ—๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ—๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ˜๐ŸŒ”๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ—๐ŸŒ“๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ• ๐ŸŒ•๐Ÿ‘ ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐Ÿ‘ ๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•๐ŸŒ•
February 2021

Classic

Whoโ€™s Joe? Joe Momma

"Whoโ€™s joe?" a distant voice asks. Instantly everyone nearby hears the sound of 1,000s of bricks rapidly shuffling towards his location. The earth itself seemed to cry out in agony, until finally the ground itself split open and a horrific creature crawled from the ground, covered in mucus and tar. โ€Joe Mommaโ€ฆโ€ the creature whispered. The man cried out in pain as he disintegrated into dust, and the whole world fell silent in fear. "I did a little trolling." the wretched creature remarked before burrowing back into the earth.
September 2021

Classic

Text-to-Speech Playing