[Copypasta] 69 is so funny

twitchquotes: 69 is so funny. Whenever I hear it, I just burst out laughing. I run out into the living room and grab the Tv remote. I start flicking through the channels. “You guys, it’s so funny, you’ll laugh so hard!” I can barely get it out as I’m laughing so hard, banging the table and snickering while I flick through the TV channels. I finally get to The CW, and the number 69 is on the bottom right-hand corner of the screen! My family and friends who were over all stand up in tremendous applause, and my wife and children come back from upstate to be with my comedic genius!
twitch chat
April 2020
I used to be a real ad
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Hydra

⠄⠄⣴⣶⣤⡤⠦⣤⣀⣤⠆⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣈⣭⣭⣿⣶⣿⣦⣼⣆⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠉⠻⢿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣶⣦⠤⠄⡠⢾⣿⣿⡿⠋⠉⠉⠻⣿⣿⡛⣦⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠄⠄⠄⠈⢿⣿⣟⠦⠄⣾⣿⣿⣷⠄⠄⠄⠄⠻⠿⢿⣿⣧⣄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣸⣿⣿⢧⠄⢻⠻⣿⣿⣷⣄⣀⠄⠢⣀⡀⠈⠙⠿⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⢀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⣿⣿⣿⠈⠄⠄⠡⠌⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣛⣳⣤⣀⣀⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⢠⣧⣶⣥⡤⢄⠄⣸⣿⣿⠘⠄⠄⢀⣴⣿⣿⡿⠛⣿⣿⣧⠈⢿⠿⠟⠛⠻⠿⠄⠄ ⠄⣰⣿⣿⠛⠻⣿⣿⡦⢹⣿⣷⠄⠄⠄⢊⣿⣿⡏⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⡇⠄⢀⣠⣄⣾⠄⠄⠄ ⣠⣿⠿⠛⠄⢀⣿⣿⣷⠘⢿⣿⣦⡀⠄⢸⢿⣿⣿⣄⠄⣸⣿⣿⡇⣪⣿⡿⠿⣿⣷⡄⠄ ⠙⠃⠄⠄⠄⣼⣿⡟⠌⠄⠈⠻⣿⣿⣦⣌⡇⠻⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⠐⣿⣿⡇⠄⠛⠻⢷⣄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢻⣿⣿⣄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠄⠫⢿⣿⡆⠄⠄⠄⠁ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⢀⣀⣤⣾⡿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⢰⣶⠄⠄⣶⠄⢶⣆⢀⣶⠂⣶⡶⠶⣦⡄⢰⣶⠶⢶⣦⠄⠄⣴⣶⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⠶⠶⣿⠄⠈⢻⣿⠁⠄⣿⡇⠄⢸⣿⢸⣿⢶⣾⠏⠄⣸⣟⣹⣧⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠸⠿⠄⠄⠿⠄⠄⠸⠿⠄⠄⠿⠷⠶⠿⠃⠸⠿⠄⠙⠷⠤⠿⠉⠉⠿⠆⠄⠄
March 2020

Lenin

⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣴⠶⠿⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠷⠶⢶⣤⣀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣤⣶⠟⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠛⢿⣶⣤⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⣠⣾⠟⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠻⣿⣿⣦⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⣼⣿⠋⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠹⣿⣿⣿⣆⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⣸⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠄⠄ ⢰⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠄⠄ ⢸⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠄ ⢸⣿⣿⢠⣤⣤⣄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣀⣠⣤⡀⠄⢸⣿⣿⡟⣿⣿⡇⠄ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⠏⠛⠛⠿⣷⣶⣄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣴⣾⣿⡿⠟⠛⠛⠛⠛⢦⣼⣿⣿⡔⣾⣿⡇⠄ ⠄⢿⣿⡟⢀⣤⣶⣶⠾⢿⣿⣷⠄⠄⢠⣿⣿⢛⡿⢿⣷⡶⠦⣤⣄⡈⢿⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⠃⠄ ⣶⢾⣿⠄⠉⠁⠉⠉⠄⠤⠞⣿⠄⠄⢸⣿⡿⠄⠈⠄⠄⠁⠉⣽⠟⠄⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇ ⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠃⠄⠄⢸⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⡏⣧ ⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⡴⠄⠣⡀⢀⣸⣿⠿⣷⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢸ ⢹⣿⣿⣧⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠙⠚⣛⡊⣻⣿⡛⠗⠋⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⡜ ⠈⢻⣿⣿⡆⠄⠄⢀⣴⣴⣿⣿⠿⢾⡻⠿⢿⣶⣶⣦⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡜⠁ ⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⣾⣿⣿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠛⠿⠶⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠄⠄⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⢹⣿⣄⠄⠉⠁⠄⠳⢶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣾⣿⡟⠃⠄⠁⠄⠄⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣏⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠘⣿⣿⣆⣀⣀⡀⡀⡖⣸⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣷⣦⡀⠄⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠁⠁⢿⣿⡿⠍⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⣼⣿⣿⡿⣿⣿⣴⠄⠰⣿⣿⣇⢀⠄⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠘⠿⣿⣿⣿⣀⠙⠿⣷⣤⣼⣿⣿⣾⣷⣾⣿⡿⠟⠋⠉⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠛⠿⣿⣶⣤⡈⠛⢿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠛⠿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣀⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢘⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠉⠛⠻⠿⠿⢶⣦⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⣼⡿⠿⠿⠛⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄
March 2022

Slap Chop commercial script

Now that I have your attention let me show you this handy new kitchen tool, the Slap Chop! You’re going to be in a great mood all day, because you’re going be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop. Now, look here’s a potato. One slap you got big chunks for stew, two slaps home fries in a second. And, look at this when you add a mushroom: the more you do it, the finer it gets you don’t have to switch any blades. Now, you love salad -- you hate making it. You know you hate making salads -- that’s why you don’t have any salad in your diet. Watch this one slap... salad! I love Pizza too, but once in a while get the veggies in, at least throw it on top of the pizza. You’re going to change your eating habits. Soup, Coleslaw, stuff we want, 5 seconds. 4 or 5 seconds, it's done. This thing, this tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Add this tuna putting it in like this now you’re going to have a nice, tuna, salad. Look at this you’re going to have an exciting life now. Look here’s a hard boiled egg. One chop, you add the pickle; you add the green onion. And what you can do is mix things together add the ham and you’re going to love this. You don’t have time to make breakfast, breakfast to go. You’re going to love my nuts. Watch this: almonds, walnuts. Comes with a cover so you can do everything in the cover. Alright, or you can do it on the board, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it. You know what they charge at the ice cream store? A dollar for toppings at the ice cream store. Add a couple cookies if you want. So, you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away. You know not only nuts what about fruit? Put a mango, look at that isn’t that beautiful on your ice cream.
December 2020

SeemsGood

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⠟⠋⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⢿⣦⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣾⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⢿⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⡿⠁⠀⠀⣀⣤⣴⣶⣶⣦⣀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⠃⠀⠀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀⠀⠈⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⣛⠧⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⡆⠀⣿⣯⣭⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣷⣄⣾⡿⡿⠿⢟⣿⣿⣿⣟⣿⣭⣡⣶⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⡀⢻⣿⣿⣷⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⢧⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣞⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡧⠝⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣘⣿⣿⣾⣿⡽⣿⡿⢟⡃⠈⣉⡀⠈⠍⠙⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⠿⢛⣋⣅⠹⠰⣴⣷⣾⠿⠿⢿⣿⣦⠽⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠇⠈⠹⢿⣧⣾⣤⠹⡿⠃⣠⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣶⠞⠿⣦⣈⠉⠘⠏⠁⣀⣴⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣏⣩⣤⣤⠄⠀⠉⠛⠻⠿⠿⠟⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠿⢿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
October 2020

A few feet offscreen, Dex sits in a cage

twitchquotes: A few feet offscreen, Dex sits in a cage far too small for himself. Malnourished because of his "vegan" diet, his ribs are clearly visible through his coat. He barely has the energy to move, let alone enjoy life. Yet, he knows there's hope. He knows he could draw attention to himself, as he hears Kripp constantly talking to someone. In a single act of defiance, Dex barks to draw attention to his dire situation. "Quiet, Dex" is his only reply as Kripp ignores his pleas yet again.
twitch chat
March 2018
Kripp
Text-to-Speech Playing