[Copypasta] Comedy God has entered the building: Attack Helicopter

I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter WEE WOO WEE WOO ALERT! COMEDY GOD HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING! GET TO COVER! steps on stage Bystander: "Oh god! Don't do it! I have a family!" Comedy God: "Heh..." adjusts fedora the building is filled with fear and anticipation God and Jesus himself looks on in suspense comedy god clears throat everything is completely quiet not a single sound is heard world leaders look and wait with dread everything in the world stops nothing is happening comedy god smirks no one is prepared for what is going to happen comedy god musters all of this power he bellows out to the world "ATTACK" absolute suspense everyone is filled with overwhelming dread "HELICOPTER" all at once, absolute pandemonium commences all nuclear powers launch their nukes at once giant brawls start 43 wars are declared simultaneously a shockwave travels around the earth earth is driven into chaos humanity is regressed back to the stone age the pure funny of that joke destroyed civilization itself all the while people are laughing harder than they ever did people who aren't killed die from laughter literally the funniest joke in the world then the comedy god himself posts his creation to reddit and gets karma
August 2021

Classic

What happened to this ad? :(
More Classic Copypastas

Oh my gourd, I am financially ruined (agricultural futures)

I have lost everything, and I'm not sure how to continue. This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.
January 2021

Classic

WallStreetBets

A New Toucan Has Arrived

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–€β–ˆβ–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–ˆβ–€β–ˆβ–„β–„β–„β–„β–„β–„β–„β–’β–’β–’β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–€β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘Aβ–‘NEWβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘TOUCANβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–€β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘HASβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–ˆβ–’β–€β–ˆβ–’β–€β–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ARRIVEDβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β– β–“β–“β–“β–“β–“β–„β–“β–“β–„β–“β–“β–“β–“β–“β–“β–“β–“β– β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘ β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–„β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
January 2019

Classic

Response to "go fuck yourself"

What if I'm already fucking myself? Behind this simple insult hides a universal paradox that may put your sexuality in question. Let's do a simple thought experiment: imagine us two standing in front of each other. I, of course, am wearing a pair of jeans, that are covering my genitals and my butt. You then command me to "go fuck myself". I may be fucking myself already. I may as well not be fucking myself already. Until my dick and its position relative to my ass is observed, it is simultaneously in my ass, but also outside of it - thus, it stays in superposition. The moment you lay eyes on my penis, both states collide with each other and become either one. You may have already guessed what the problem here is. As soon as a single photon reflected by my dick enters either one of your eyes, you become gay. The only way to avoid this is to not observe my penis. But if you don't look at it, then you will never know if your insult had any effect, thus rendering it meaningless. Since you have already made the insult, you are now, too, in superposition - you're either wrong, or gay. It's unfortunate, really - you dug a hole for yourself without even knowing it. All you can do now is accept it, and learn from your mistakes.
April 2020

Classic

Among Us is ruining my fucking life

I can't fucking take it any more. Among Us has singlehandedly ruined my life. The other day my teacher was teaching us Greek Mythology and he mentioned a pegasus and I immediately thought 'Pegasus? more like Mega Sus!!!!' and I've never wanted to kms more. I can't look at a vent without breaking down and fucking crying. I can't eat pasta without thinking 'IMPASTA??? THATS PRETTY SUS!!!!' Skit 4 by Kanye West. The lyrics ruined me. A Mongoose, or the 25th island of greece. The scientific name for pig. I can't fucking take it anymore. Please fucking end my suffering.
August 2021

Among Us / Amogus

Classic

Among Us crewmate

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣢⣦⣀⣄⑀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⒀⣴⣿⑿⠛⠉⠙⠛⠛⠛⠛⠻Ⓙ⣿⣷⣀⑀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β£Όβ£Ώβ ‹β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β’€β£€β£€β ˆβ’»β£Ώβ£Ώβ‘„β €β €β €β € ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⑏⠀⠀⠀⣠⣢⣾⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿Ⓙ⣿⣿⣿⣄⠀⠀⠀ β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β£Ώβ£Ώβ β €β €β’°β£Ώβ£Ώβ£―β β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β ˆβ ™β’Ώβ£·β‘„β € β €β €β£€β£€β£΄β£Άβ£Άβ£Ώβ‘Ÿβ €β €β €β’Έβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£†β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β£Ώβ£·β € β €β’°β£Ώβ‘Ÿβ ‹β ‰β£Ήβ£Ώβ‘‡β €β €β €β ˜β£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£·β£¦β£€β£€β£€β£Άβ£Άβ£Άβ£Άβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ € ⠀Ⓒ⣿⑇⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⑿⠃⠀ ⠀⣸⣿⑇⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⑿⠿⠿⠛Ⓕ⣿⑇⠀⠀ ⠀⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Ⓒ⣿⣧⠀⠀ ⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Ⓒ⣿⣿⠀⠀ ⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Ⓒ⣿⣿⠀⠀ ⠀Ⓙ⣿⑆⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Ⓒ⣿⑇⠀⠀ ⠀⠸⣿⣧⑀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⠃⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠛Ⓙ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣷⣢⣢⣢⣢⠢⠀⒠⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀⣽⣿⑏⠁⠀⠀Ⓒ⣿⑇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⑇⠀Ⓓ⣿⑆⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⠇⠀⠀⠀ β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β’Ώβ£Ώβ£¦β£„β£€β£ β£΄β£Ώβ£Ώβ β €β ˆβ »β£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ£Ώβ‘Ώβ β €β €β €β € β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β ˆβ ›β »β Ώβ Ώβ Ώβ Ώβ ‹β β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €β €
September 2020

Among Us / Amogus

Classic

Text-to-Speech Playing