[Copypasta] Can't focus on sex with the Food Network on

twitchquotes: I’m married and have a 4 year old so sex needs to be done in window opportunities. Whatever channel the TV is on in the background is what it’s going to be. Food Network is the hardest to have sex to by far. So if for example Guy Fieri Triple D comes on and I hear “we’re going to Seattle for some funky BBQ fish empanadas” while having sex my brain is “yes sex! But those empanadas sound crazy...dude focus on sex....that’s a shit load of jalapeños, that would give me heartburn for a week....Ok back to focusing on the sex....oh shit he’s going to a bbq pit in Austin next that does burnt tips in white cheddar Mac and Cheese!!! I gotta wrap this up”
twitch chat
May 2019
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
More Copypastas

Birds

⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣩⣴⣶⣦⣍⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢏⣾⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣌⢻⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣾⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣌⢻⣿⣿⣿⠟⣩⣬⣭⠻⣿⣀⣿⣿⣿⢟⣤⡙ ⣿⠟⣩⣬⣭⠻⣿⣀⣿⣿⣿⢟⣤⡙⢿⣷⣤⣒⠲⠶⢿⣘⣛⡛⠿⣿⣸⣿⣿ ⣷⣤⣒⠲⠶⢿⣘⣛⡛⠿⣿⣸⣿⣿⣷⣝⠿⣿⣿⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⢹⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣌⠻⠟⣠⣴⣶⣦⣍⠻⡼⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣠⣴⣶⣦⣍⠻⡼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⢏⣾⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣝⢿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣾⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣝⢿⣿⣿⠟⣩⣬⣭⠻⣿⣀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷ ⣿⠟⣩⣬⣭⠻⣿⣀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣦⣷⣤⣒⠲⠶⢿⣘⣛⡛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣷⣤⣒⠲⠶⢿⣘⣛⡛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣷⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣍⠻ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣍⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣌⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣁⡀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣌⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⠟⣁⡀⢀⣠⠄⣠⣶⣶⣿⣿⡗⣠⣴⣶⣦⣍⠻ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠶⠶⠶⠶⠾⠿⠁⢈⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⢏⣾⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⡈⢉⣩⡭⠽⢛⣒⣒⣒⣈⣿⣿⠟⣩⣬⣭⠻⣿⣀⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⣉⣥⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣤⣒⠲⠶⢿⣘⣛⡛⠿⣿
ascii art
January 2021

Donald Trump vs Biden

Approximately 15 people have died from COVID within the first 10 MINUTES of Biden’s presidency. Compare that with former president Donald Trump, where there was not a SINGLE death in the first 1,125 days of his glorious reign. Not convinced? Trump created approximately 72813% more jobs in HALF of his FIRST TERM than Biden has during in his ENTIRE time as president. The numbers don’t lie Liberals 😏👌🏼
January 2021

2020 US Election

I(21M) am convinced that my(20F) wife's pet rabbit thinks my wife is his mate, it is ruining our marriage

It all started when I was dating my wife. I met her four years ago and we have been dating all 4 years. She has had the rabbit since before I met her. The little bastard is old and saggy and partially blind. Some parts of his body is missing patches of fur because he pulls it out to make a nest for himself and my wife. When we met the rabbit was not a major issue. It would scratch and bite at me but my wife assured me he was just nervous to have another person in her apartment as my wife and the rabbit lived alone since my wife was 18. We have been married one year now and the rabbit is wreaking havoc on our marriage but my wife refuses to do anything because to her the rabbit is her baby and she loves it more than anything. When I first moved in the rabbit did not do much to me or us other than the previously mentioned bites and scratches but he shows my wife too much affection for just a owner. We will be doing anything and she will have the rabbit with her on top of her chest on her breasts licking them and her face. She will not put it down at all whenever she is home with it. We eat dinner, he is there, she goes to the bathroom, he comes with, she is showering? He waits outside for her, watching her nude in the shower. Wife does not even let me in the bathroom with her. It has gone to the point where whenever I show my wife affection the rabbit seeks revenge on me. Sometimes not immediately but at times he does attack me on the spot when I kiss my wife. Sometimes I find little tiny brown balls, his shit in my closet. Another thing is that she lets the little shit roam free all day but nighttime and when we are making love. This was not previously the case but after an accident during lovemaking and much long conversations I convinced my wife to put the rabbit in its cage when we are making love. But now whenever I am making love to my wife, like clockwork, the little shit knows what we are doing and screams at the top of its lungs until my wife abandons what she is doing, even nude and comes to the smug little shits rescue. He is doing this out of pure spite. I am aware that rabbits only scream when very stressed or in danger but he is in his huge cage because my wife spoils him only during night and when we make love, I swear he is doing this to ruin our marriage. He thinks my wife is his mate and wants to get rid of me. I have scars all over my body from bites and scratches and my life refuses to do anything about the rabbit or how much time she spends with it. We are in couples therapy and our marriage is very rocky. What do I do?
May 2022

AITA for wanting to play Fortnite?

My mum (82F) told me (12M) to do the dishes (16) but I (12M) was too busy playing Fortnite (3 kills) so I (12M) grabbed my controller (DualShock 4) and threw it at her (138kph). She fucking died, and I (12M) went to prison (18 years). While in prison I (12M) incited several riots (3) and assumed leadership of a gang responsible for smuggling drugs (cocaine) into the country. I (12M) also ordered the assassination of several celebrities (Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley and Jeffrey Epstein) and planned a terrorist attack (9/11). Reddit, AITA?
March 2021

Fortnite

Am I The Asshole?

7 Flamestrikes

twitchquotes: Wait a minute . . . 7 Flamestrikes . . . Thats 49 mana . . . There's 49 confirmed illuminati members . . . This guy . . . He's illuminati . . .
twitch chat
October 2014
Kripp
More Copypastas
Text-to-Speech Playing