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Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
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Barack Obama
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Professional headmeat physician
twitchquotes:
ce: Hello Tyler, this is Dhanraj Ameer, the professional headmeat physician, thank you for contacting me last week. My team and I have been looking at x-rays of your skull and we are interested in a procedure that involves taking the head meat from the sides of your head and using it to fill in the dent in the middle. Due to the severity of your head meat slabs this procedure only has a 10% likelihood of success due to the extreme invasiveness the slab removal will take. Let me know
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Tyler1
I can't go to Yemen, I'm an analyst!
twitchquotes:
"I can't go to Yemen, I'm an analyst!" 
"Get on the plane." 🎶🎵I'm only human after all don't put. your blame on me🎵🎶
"I can't go to Yemen, I'm an analyst!" "Get on the plane." 🎶🎵I'm only human after all don't put. your blame on me🎵🎶
twitch chat
Holy Champion: how many fingers do you see?
twitchquotes:
╭∩╮( ° ͜ʖ͡°)╭∩╮ How many fingers do you see? ╭∩╮ ( ° ͜ʖ͡°)╭∩╮
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Kibler
It's 2036
It’s 2036. Your mom was an e girl with an onlyfans and your dad is a sadboi guitarist. 98% of the Caucasian male students in school are named Aiden. Every afternoon you come home to check on Mom because she still thinks posting memes about wanting to die are in. She sees you pull out your homework and you sigh. “No, mom. I don’t want to listen to Lo-Fi beats to study and relax to.” She looks mildly disappointed but perks up again. “No horror trap/witch house either,” you interrupt. SadDad walks in and pats you on the back, but not before saying “Aye, fam. You look a little upset, u wanna go get a face tat?”