MASTURBATION NOTICE
It has come to our attention that students have been masturbating in the school bathrooms. Masturbating on school property is ILLEGAL and against school district policy
The bathroom pipes are NOT designed to handle human discharge or anything other than your regular bathroom duties
The excessive amounts of discharge build-up has caused a blockage in the pipes. Multiple pipes have become close to bursting due to the amount of excessive semen build-up. This will cost THOUSANDS of dollars coming from our funds to repair the damage caused by this
Please masturbate in your own homes and at your own disposal
If any discharge is discovered in the bathroom, it will be collected and analyzed to determine who it belongs to. If it is discovered that the discharge is yours, YOU will be fine $ 1,000 and be reported to proper authorities
Thank you for your cooperation
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Hello gentleman, I have suffered a loss of 69K
Hello gentleman, I regretfully wish to share with you all that I shant comment on this Internet forum henceforth. As of the time of my arrival in this past autumn, I have suffered a loss of 69K. By the blessing of Lady Luck, I am still experiencing a positive net balance of 420%, so I have come to the conclusion I must liquidate my insignificant phallus account. I shall use this fortune for procuring a vaginal enlargement and acquire tremendous breasts for my OnlyAristocracy parchment. Or I may be devilish and maintain an investment position in TournamentCease. I am short of hours of leisure in life, training dogs to consume peanut butter from the reaches of my posterior and can not bare the rapid change of value of my investment holdings of 40 point 7 grand. I am aware that you, my peers of this financial derivatives Internet forum are filled with ecstasy to become privy to this, so copulate with yourself, I desire you all to be ablaze in nonheteronormative ursine hell in tandem with Sadam.
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Why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911
Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.
Here's why:
Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol' American hot lead.
Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it--you're looking at a picture of it.
Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.
And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.
Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?
Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.
Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.
I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:
"Well then I guess it's a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1."
And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.
I sexually Identify as going second
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I sexually Identify as going second. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of being at a mana disadvantage for ten turns. People say to me that a winning when going second is Impossible and Iโm *** retarded but I donโt care, Iโm beautiful. Iโm having a plastic surgeon install four cards in my opening hand as well as the coin on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me โUNKNOWNโ and respect my right to instantly lose the majority of games. If you canโt accept me youโre a turn-twophobe
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Kripp
Hearthstone
I sexually Identify as
Things escalated from there
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I lost my virginity while listening to this song 5 years ago, it's a funny story really.. i had just finished my gym workout and i was in the locker room all sweaty, and in walks this leather dressed jabroni.. he seemed confused as to where he was.. i told him he might have gotten the wrong door, then he got very rude and said "fuck you", then i said "nah fuck you leatherman" and then things escalated from there
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Dear streamer, I will be joining the doubters
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๐ โ๏ธ 
๐๐ฎ๐ช๐ป [streamer name] , ๐ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ป๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฏ๐พ๐ต๐ต๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ต ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ผ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ป๐ธ๐ถ ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ช ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ช๐ท๐ญ ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ต ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ณ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฎ ๐ญ๐ธ๐พ๐ซ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ป๐ผ ๐ฒ๐ท ๐ญ๐ธ๐พ๐ซ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐๐ธ๐พ๐ป ๐ช๐ซ๐ฒ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ผ.
๐๐ฎ๐ช๐ป [streamer name] , ๐ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ป๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฏ๐พ๐ต๐ต๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ต ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ผ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ป๐ธ๐ถ ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ช ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ช๐ท๐ญ ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ต ๐ซ๐ฎ ๐ณ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ฝ๐ฑ๐ฎ ๐ญ๐ธ๐พ๐ซ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ป๐ผ ๐ฒ๐ท ๐ญ๐ธ๐พ๐ซ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐๐ธ๐พ๐ป ๐ช๐ซ๐ฒ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ผ.
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