[Copypasta] What if TF2 injuries were more realistic?

Just imagine: You are playing 2fort as RED team and pick heavy, you get out of spawn when suddenly a Pyro with the Homewrecker hits you square on the head. Your Heavy falls down and makes a weird snoring sound and has a nasty gash in his head with clear fluid running out of his ears. Then for like 30 minutes the screen goes black and you hear Heavy being transported into an ambulance. After the 30 mins Heavy opens his eyes a little. It looks like hes in the ICU and is currently getting artificially ventilated. Then the screen goes black again for 3 days until Heavy opens his eyes a little to see a woman, presumably heavys wife, crying beside his bed. She says something but it seems like Heavy doesnt understand anything she is saying, only thing you clearly make out is "permanent brain damage" and how sorry she is for never talking you out of your Mercenary profession. Then the screen goes black for another 5 months with some short times of conciousness inbetween until you see the same woman with 2 kids talking to your doctor in the ICU. All you can make out is that they decided to end your suffering and pull the plug. The last thing you see is heavys eyes closing, until you suddenly respawn in RED Spawn.
January 2021
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

I used to work at an abortion clinic

I used to work at an abortion clinic and I saw some extremely fucked up shit there which is why I'm so anti-abortion now. This is just SOME of the horrible stuff I personally witnessed: • ⁠A 23 year old woman came in 11 months into her pregnancy and said "I don't want my stupid baby anymore, kill it" and the doctor said "okay" and he put jumper cables up her baby hole and connected them to a car battery and let it run for six days straight • ⁠A little 8-year old girl wandered in and said "I want an abortion but I am not pregnant" and the doctor said "we'll fix that" and he stole a baby and cut the girl open and put the baby inside her and sewed her shut and then woke the girl up and said "congratulations it's a healthy six year old boy" and the girl said "can I keep him" and the doctor said no and then backed over her in the parking lot with his brand new Ford Raptor • ⁠They made me sign an agreement promising to stop drinking from the medical waste container (I signed somebody else's name) • ⁠One of the doctors there developed a futuristic ray gun that could make anything he shot have an abortion, even trees, cars, or barns • ⁠The receptionist threw nail polish at an elderly man • ⁠The doctor's assistant invented this thing she called "the silly slide" and it was a really fun little water slide that connected a woman's vagina to a paper shredder so a newborn baby could briefly "enjoy the high life" • ⁠The oldest child we aborted was in his late 70s, we didn't even know he was a baby until his wife brought in photos • ⁠The doctors put all sorts of crap up a woman's uterus including a clown nose, bicycle handlebars, a calendar, and an entire Sears retail outlet (before bankruptcy) • ⁠During every successful abortion, the doctor would shout "take that, baby" and he'd push a red button that made sirens go off and confetti fell from the ceiling and we'd all get Del Taco for free
August 2021

NSFW

Ahegao

⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣠⣤⣶⣶⣶⣤⣄⣀⣀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣤⣤⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⢿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⡀⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣜⠿⠿⣿⣿⣧⢓ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⡠⢛⣿⣿⣿⡟⣿⣿⣽⣋⠻⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⡻⣧⡠⣭⣭⣿⡧ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⣿⡟⣿⢻⠃⣻⣨⣻⠿⡀⣝⡿⣿⣿⣷⣜⣜⢿⣝⡿⡻⢔ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⡟⣷⢿⢈⣚⣓⡡⣻⣿⣶⣬⣛⣓⣉⡻⢿⣎⠢⠻⣴⡾⠫ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⠃⢹⡼⢸⣿⣿⣿⣦⣹⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿⠷⣎⡼⠆⣿⠵⣫ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠄⠸⡟⡜⣩⡄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⢀⢀⣿⣷⣿⣿⡐⡇⡄⣿ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠁⢶⢻⣧⣖⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣿⣇⡟⣇⣷⣿ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣆⣤⣽⣿⡿⠿⠿⣿⣿⣦⣴⡇⣿⢨⣾⣿⢹⢸ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⠊⡛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣫⢱⢺⡇⡏⣿⣿⣸⡼ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⡿⠄⣿⣷⣾⡍⣭⣶⣿⣿⡌⣼⣹⢱⠹⣿⣇⣧ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣼⠁⣤⣭⣭⡌⢁⣼⣿⣿⣿⢹⡇⣭⣤⣶⣤⡝⡼ ⠄⣀⠤⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⡏⣈⡻⡿⠃⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⡿⡼⠁⣿⣿⣿⡿⢷⢸ ⢰⣷⡧⡢⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⢠⡛⠿⠄⠠⠬⠿⣿⠭⠭⢱⣇⣀⣭⡅⠶⣾⣷⣶ ⠈⢿⣿⣧⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⡛⠿⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⠃⠄⠄⡜⠄⠄⣤⢀⣶⣮⡍⣴ ⠄⠈⣿⣿⡀⠄⠄⠄⢩⣝⠃⠄⠄⢀⡄⡎⠄⠄⠄⠇⠄⠄⠅⣴⣶⣶⠄⣶
January 2021

Weebs

Response to "go fuck yourself"

What if I'm already fucking myself? Behind this simple insult hides a universal paradox that may put your sexuality in question. Let's do a simple thought experiment: imagine us two standing in front of each other. I, of course, am wearing a pair of jeans, that are covering my genitals and my butt. You then command me to "go fuck myself". I may be fucking myself already. I may as well not be fucking myself already. Until my dick and its position relative to my ass is observed, it is simultaneously in my ass, but also outside of it - thus, it stays in superposition. The moment you lay eyes on my penis, both states collide with each other and become either one. You may have already guessed what the problem here is. As soon as a single photon reflected by my dick enters either one of your eyes, you become gay. The only way to avoid this is to not observe my penis. But if you don't look at it, then you will never know if your insult had any effect, thus rendering it meaningless. Since you have already made the insult, you are now, too, in superposition - you're either wrong, or gay. It's unfortunate, really - you dug a hole for yourself without even knowing it. All you can do now is accept it, and learn from your mistakes.
April 2020

Classic

Kripp's lettuce points

twitchquotes: The year is 2035. Kripp's lettuce points have quickly developed into one of the most valuable crypto currencies in the world. Elsewhere, Tanner sits alone in his dark, dingy apartment, watching Kripp's stream, desperately trying to gamble for some lettuce points. He types "!bet 2 all" in chat, and anxiously awaits the results. Upon seeing Kripp go 0-3, Tanner puts a gun to his head and lets out one final "never lucky" before pulling the trigger.
twitch chat
February 2019
Kripp

Hearthstone

Tanner from High School

Hank from Breaking Bad

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠖⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠋⠳⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠙⢦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⡿⢁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠸⣷⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⡧⢕⠂⠀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠀⣿⣿⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠏⠃⠈⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠈⠀⠀⠀⠐⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣴⣶⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣴⣴⣄⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣦⣤⣤⠌⣻⣦⣤⡀⢀⣤⡠⢔⡀⢀⣀⣉⢻⢿⣿⠇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⠋⡟⠙⠛⠚⠘⠋⢉⠁⠈⠙⠋⠃⠿⠟⠛⠩⠹⣿⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⡎⡐⠙⠓⠚⠉⠠⣾⡆⠀⢰⠀⠒⠒⠒⠂⡀⢺⣿⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⡁⠀⠀⠀⡤⠔⡎⠂⠀⠈⡖⣀⡀⠀⠀⠨⠄⢿⠂⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣷⣿⣧⣠⡖⠁⠀⣿⣧⣀⣀⣠⣷⠀⠉⢦⣤⣤⣷⡗⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣸⠉⠛⢿⣶⣄⡨⠻⢿⣿⣿⣅⣄⣶⣾⠿⠛⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢿⣦⠀⠀⠈⠻⢍⠙⠉⠋⠋⠉⡿⠋⠀⠀⣼⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠞⣦⠀⢬⢧⣄⣀⡁⠉⣀⣠⡽⠁⠀⡼⠅⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⣧⣄⡉⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠋⠀⢠⣼⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣷⡄⠈⠀⠀⢀⢀⣤⡿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠻⠶⠼⠟⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣤⣶⣶⣶⣦⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⡱⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠟⠛⠁⠄⠂⠀⠓⠋⢟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⠜⢖⣁⣀⣀⡀⠀⢀⣐⢠⣴⣟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣷⣛⠿⠻⠉⠯⣉⠠⠹⠚⠺⠿⢿⣟⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢐⣿⣿⡿⡿⣿⣷⠆⠀⠐⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣼⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡶⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⡟⠻⣋⢉⣉⠁⣀⢀⣄⣠⣄⡀⠀⣉⣉⣙⠻⢻⣿⣿⡷⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣾⡏⠑⠓⠉⢉⣾⣿⣿⣿⣯⠑⠚⠓⢛⣾⣼⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⡿⠻⠠⢤⣔⣼⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣲⣄⠀⠘⠻⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣧⠀⣀⠟⠃⠡⣿⠿⠞⠽⣿⠈⠛⣶⣀⣇⣿⡿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣾⣯⠃⢠⣴⣦⠀⠀⣠⣴⣦⡀⠘⣿⡷⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣾⡇⢠⡿⡿⠻⠁⢠⠸⠻⢿⢷⠀⢸⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⡇⠊⣠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣶⣦⣤⣀⠃⣾⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣧⣬⡶⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣦⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣿⣿⡿⡛⢟⢶⣶⣽⡿⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠿⢶⣴⡿⠟⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
August 2021
Text-to-Speech Playing