Ok, this is ABSOLUTE fucking bullshit. I went to see Cars in the theater yesterday, and when Lightning McQueen got HOT with Sally in Radiator Springs, my boner engaged. When Lightning McQueen said "Ka-Chow!", I couldn't help it!!! I closed my eyes, and I TORE my dick to shreds, using whip like motions and pulled with great force. That was one of the best nuts I ever had, just thinking about it now gets me riled up. Thing is, I nutted all over the kid sitting right next to me, and his mom got all pissed at me, screaming at me for jacking off on her son. I told that bitch to shut the fuck up, and that jacking off is a natural, artistic, and beautiful process. You should BE HAPPY that my semen is all over your son, maybe he can learn a lesson or two about the culture and art of jacking off. HOWEVER, the movie theater managers didn't agree with me. They KICKED ME OUT of the movie theater, and I didn't even finish watching the Cars movie. Not only THAT, but they made me clean up my semen after it already dried out and solidified on the seats. THATS TORTURE!! Do you know how hard it is to clean semen after its dried out? You CLEAN semen after its FRESH out of your cock, not an hour after you fucking nutted. This is a fucking OUTRAGE. Do you really expect me to not whip out my cock and jack off when i see a HOT sex scene in a movie? Either don't ban sex scenes in movies, or LET ME jack off in your theater, assholes.
I used to be a real ad
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nl_kripp this is le reddit army!
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@nl_kripp this is le reddit army! Please cease streaming or be prepared to get downvoted!! If you do not IMMEDIATELY stop streaming I'm going to meme you so hard that you're fedora falls off. I bet you did nazi see that coming. Nailed it, you see what I did there? DO NOT COPY PASTE THIS! Good day sir!
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Kripp
Stop spamming your emojis
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Hey guys, I would greatly appreciate if you stop spamming your 'emojis'. I am trying to watch this stream in peace but you ANIMALS are disrupting my time. I will go to complain on r/DotA2 if you continue. Thanks
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I hate Twitch Chat
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RIP Joe the Spider
I know this is really stupid but Iām sad about it.
Yesterday I had a friend come over. Iām a girl who lives alone so I guess some ādudeā stuff hasnāt been done around the house.
Context: I have a spider named joe. Heās a dandy long leg. Heās been my friend in the bathroom for months and had recently made his way down to closer by me by the tub instead of on the ceiling. I like to think I gained his trust.
Well my friend goes into the bathroom and comes out said āyouāre welcomeā. Iām super confused. So I ask āfor what?ā He says āI just killed a big ass spider for youā.
I couldnāt even contain myself. I just yelled āYOU KILLED JOE?!ā And started tearing up. I didnāt tell him to leave Joe alone it never occurred to me. JOE TRUSTED ME. Joe had been in my bathroom since he was super tiny and he grew to be such a big boy.
My friend was distraught. Heās a Pisces, so he immediately felt my deep sorrow for Joe. He apologized and swore to never squish any more spiders at my house.
I think Joe was biologically female because there is a baby Joe. Baby Joe is on my ceiling but idk if I can gain Baby Joeās trust after they witnessed the murder of their parental figure.
RIP Joe I miss you so much. Getting ready in the morning will never be the same.
I want to fuck the Samsung girl
Oh my fucking god I want to fuck the Samsung Virtual assistant so fucking bad, every waking second of my fucking life since the release of that fucking ad Iāve done nothing but think about her. I canāt go for more that 2 seconds without getting an erection the size of the Burj Khalifa and ejaculating at Mach 12. Iāve ejaculated so many times to simply the thought of her existence that my cock is no longer cumming sperm but literal fucking blood. I canāt stoping thinking about her even after passing out from the pain of cumming blood. I canāt complete nearly any daily tasks because my mind is continuously invaded by her perfection, I canāt live every day of my life thinking about angelic voice screaming in luscious pain about the new Samsung data plan while I fuck her perfect 3D modeled asshole. My personal hell will only get worse in a matter of hours as I will scavenge every corner of the internet in search of her rule 34 and my continuous stream of blood cum will only get worse as Iāll spend days, weeks, possibly months jacking off to her non-stop for any reason other than to shit, piss and eat. Simply at this point alone in writing this Iāve lost 2-3 liters of blood alone with just the simple thought of her existence. If this is how I die then I wouldnāt want it any other way.
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old"
twitchquotes:
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
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