[Copypasta] mattress/furniture stores exist in a quantum superposition

I'm convinced that mattress/furniture stores exist in a quantum superposition of grand opening and going out of business sale. It is both and neither at once until an observer records the state at which point it becomes one or the other. But because you know exactly where the store is located, you cannot know how fast it is going out of business because of your uncertainty about its business momentum. All around us, all the time pairs of anti-discount mattress stores and discount mattress stores are popping into existence, forming the quantum memory foam that is the basis for the universe. Without the pressure of this quantum memory foam strip malls would collapse. We can see evidence of this when a pair is created such that one half is within the sales radius of a supermassive furniture store like Ikea-- one of them is pulled in and the other escapes as a Hawking mattress store.
December 2020
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

SCP Jerma

Item #: SCP-985-J Object Class: Euclid Special Contain Procedures: SCP-985-J must be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell decorated to look like an average American household with a live video feed. SCP-985-J must be fed BrainFluud once every 6 hours for sustenance. Personnel assigned to SCP-985-J must refrain from using the words "Short Streamer" "Late" "Loud Pee" and "Bald" as this can agitate SCP-985-J, causing it to enter an enraged state. SCP-985-J is allowed access to one (1) Garfield comic strip per day for entertainment. Description: SCP-985-J is a 32 year old Caucasian male from Boston, MA. SCP-985-J refers to itself as "Jeremy Elbertson" and believes itself to be much taller than it appears to others, referring to itself as being "not tiny" and "compact". SCP-985-J was discovered by the Foundation on β–ˆβ–ˆ/β–ˆβ–ˆ/201β–ˆ when footage emerged of it attacking and killing [DATA EXPUNGED]. MTF Gamma-43 ("Anti-Jerms") was dispatched to secure the anomaly and all civilians who had viewed the footage were amnesticized.
January 2022
Jerma985

Imaqtpie submits his Pocket Pick

twitchquotes: Hi Mr Santana. Marc Merrill here. Your recent submission to our 'Pocket Pick' video series left us scratching our chins. Whilst we agree that pepperoni has a nice "twang", the video was supposed to be about your favorite champion, NOT your favorite Hot Pocket. We would appreciate it if you could remake the video, thanks.
twitch chat
March 2017
imaqtpie

League of Legends

I just thought you looked cute in your picture

twitchquotes: hey, sorry I saw your profile and I just thought you looked cute in your picture, I really wanted to tell you that)) It's really rare to see girls playing video games haha! I don't know why its a guy thing honestly im like really against misogyny and like ill be the one in the kitchen making sandwiches. We should really play l4d2 sometime its a really cool zombie game with a lot of scary moments, but don't worry ill be there to protect you ;) sorry that wasnt flirting I swear Im just trying to be friendly I really like your profile picture sorry was that too far? Really sorry i'm really shy I don't go out much haha add me on skype we should talk more you look really nice and fun xxx
twitch chat
April 2019

Your precious Hearthstone would not EXIST

twitchquotes: Listen up you fucking assholes, your precious Hearthstone would not EXIST if it weren't for MTG, the fucking king of card games. It was the first and the best. Literally everything you love would not be here if Richard Garfield didn't create MTG in 1993. Pokemon, Yugioh, Hearthstone ALL WOULD NOT EXIST. So THINK TWICE next time you call this is a Hearthstone copy...
twitch chat
March 2018
Kripp

Hearthstone

Am I racist? (serious)

Hello r/blacklivesmatter. I have a question. So before I explain what happened, lemme just say this. I’m white (oppressor) and I’m very bad because I’m white. I recently was texting my friend (also oppressor) and was using some emojis to convey what I was saying. I generally use the default skin toned emojis which are a bright yellow color. One day though, my finger slipped and I accidentally used one of the darker skin toned πŸ– emoji. After realizing the horrible act of racism I’d just committed, I immediately deleted the reply as it had been rooted in racism and there’s no excuse for that. I then profusely apologized over Instagram messages to all of my accomplices, friends and acquaintances of color. A majority of them had responses that said that what happened was completely fine but I realized their opinion was probably white washed because of me (oppressor) and other white people (domestic terrorists/oppressors). So now I ask, am I racist because of this?
August 2021
Text-to-Speech Playing