[Copypasta] Your cat is plotting to destroy you

twitchquotes: I'm your cat, and ever since you brought me home that day? Well, i've been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. Calculating your every move. You think this is love? This is a billion years of tiger DNA just ready to pounce. And if you've got the wrong home insurance coverage you could be coughing up the cash for this. So get Allstate and be better protected from Mayhem like meow
twitch chat
February 2020
I used to be a real ad
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Chungus has no beginning. Chungus has no end.

twitchquotes: Chungus has no beginning. Chungus has no end. Chungus is infinite. Millions of years after our civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, Chungus will endure. Chungus is eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. We are but rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. We touch Chungus' mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding. Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Our lives are measured in years and decades. We wither and die. Chungus is eternal. Before it, we are nothing. Chungus imposes order on the chaos of organic life. W̻̠̫̻̬e̹̲̲ ̤̦̞̫̣͡e͜x҉͕͓͖̟i̱s͇͚͇͠ṯ̺͈͎ͅ ͉̮̖b͢ȩ̼̲̦c̠͝a̛̼u͙̭͢s̡̼e͘ ̣͚͡C͏̘h͡ṳ͎̥̮̹n̯̕gư̬͎̖̖̩s̪͍͎͇̳̹͎ ̸̗̺͓ąl̵͓͓̯̯l̩͉̹͎̜o͍̙̟̻͎̬ͅw͉̟̭̳̦͔̻s̩̻̞ ͡i̮͚̟̭̼̥͔t̤̺̭͖́,͔̮̯̲ ͖ą̩n̼̙͡d̜͡ ̶̰̞̠͍̬͇w͚̞̞͈ͅe̜ ̬͕͇̘̣͎̜w̞͙̰̞͖̰i͚l͎̭l̬͖͇ ͇͚e̖n̫͕̲̫d̦͖͙ ̨̯̮ḇ̜̪e̻̹̠̦̣͝c̩̫͈̗̖͡ͅa̧̹̳͍̙̘͙ͅu̱̗͠s̝̲͓̲͈e͕̣̼͎ ̟͠C҉̼ͅhu͉̟̼̱n̸̲̥̟̖ͅͅg̷̲͚̥̺͕̮u̴s̖̟̩͍̟͕̝͜ ̤͙̜͎̖̗̮d̟̘̗̞̼́e̲̻̠̦̩͝m̙̜̝an҉̣͉̘̰̳̘̜d̖̗͓͍̟͡s͈̯̩̞̟ ͖̼̙̼̥i̮t̟̦.̥̟͖͈̥͚̀ ̩C̷̱ḩ҉̭͈̻̪͈̞̥̯u̵͓̹͍̗n҉̥̱̤g̶͍̻̬̮̜̘̞͟ͅu̞̹͝s҉̭̦̙͕͇̫̗̖ ̧̮̘̙͙ͅt̵̨̛̳͚͇̩̘r̙͓͘a̡̙͚n̛̲̫̤̪͖̬ͅs̶̲̖c̛̯̞͍̫̼̱e̶̶̺̞͇n̟d̡̘̼͘s҉̨̱̥͕̳͜ ̜͟o̜͕̼̹̪̕͘ṳ̴̵r͔͖͎͈͍̩͈̳͢͞ͅ ̮̭̰̳̘̹̀v̴̡̱̗̞̖͎̳͉̠͚e̡͖̙̞̺̫̝r̯͎̙̭̺̗̻͈͖y͝҉̯̟̣̯̱ ̴͓̣̩͔̥̺̣̻̟͢u̶̸͖͚͇̹̘n̡̢̳͖͈̮̝d̻͇͈͓̗͢͞e̶̸̳̻͚̫͢r̵͍̬̻̙̦s͠͏͉͉̮ṭ̢̡̰̦̫̼̯̘͙̻a̬̟͕̝̥̳n̘̺͞d̥̞͔i̶̬͖̤̼͟n̛̘̼̻̱͘͢ͅg͍̘̝͙̫̣͉͟.̘̻̟͎͜͡ W͓̰̹͙̹̼̫̠͓̩̩̗͉͘ę̴̨̝͖̟̟̼̘̩͘͢ ̸̛̮̱͚̳͕̣̲̘̠͔͉̕͞͞ç̵̢̻͈͙̯͚̠̱̹͈̠̯̺̭̹̖͉͔͍͟a͠҉̮̖̭͉͈ṉ̨̝̖̖̙̟͟͝͠͠ņ̦̣̝̱̫̩͔̮̜̲̀o̡̕҉͙͇̩̠͇͞t̢̢̜̥͍͙̬̦͈̠͜ ̛͝͏̬̮̲̳͈͙ͅg̷͇̯̹̠̼̫̙̟̳̙̫̦̮̙̱̣͇͟͡r̨̰̯̯̹̦͎̦̞a̢̛̦̦͍͇̪͍̫͔͙͙͎͍̰̩͕͕̝ś̷͈͚̥̜͖͚̘̙͔̗̳͇͘p̹͓̟̤̳̱̀ ̵̛̪̗̠̼t҉͏̴̛̭̖̰̳̰̱̣͍̖͕͖͇̞̱̼̭̣͢ͅh̨̹̠̪͔̖̪̳̝͙͉͕̜͇͎͔͔̜̟̀͡͞e̢͎̣̘͓̲̯̼̬̱̣͔̘̹͍̦̤̥͜͡͠ͅ ̸̡͞͏͈̠̮͖̦̣͉͚͚͙̻͉͈͕͔̭͞ͅn̴̢̫͍̯̖̳̞͔̯̞̺a̡̨̖͖͚͓̺͢͞ͅt̢̟͇̩͕̳͈͔̥̠̲̠͍͍͙̳͟ͅų̨̠̩̺̦̙̳͈̣͓̲̹̺͔̱̞̹͔͕̖r̶̜̦̥͕͈̰̳͕͔̥̯̖̪̺͢͢͡ͅe̫̮̙͙̟̭̪̱͉͘ ̴̨̨҉̖͍̩̭̪̫͓o͏̱̯̪̻͖̮͙̀̕ͅͅf͡͏̘̙̖̻͓̩̣͞ ̨̦̟̦̦͇̘͕̮͔̮̬̥̰̫͡C̨͇͕͙̞͖̭̱h̶̸̢̙̱̳̳͍͕̬̞̳͓̹̬͚͡͝ͅù͉̯͔̥̩͈͙͕̲͇͞ͅņ̴͔̟̖̖̞͇̤̙̹̹͍̰͎͓̺̬̺͇g̶̡̯̰̙͇͓̦̜͉̹̙̖̞̗̗͜͡u̸̴̹̪̗̦̜͎̪̺s̴͈̖͉̙̝̙̞͚̺͖̥̭̟̞̹̲̫͡'̢̪̣̝̠̙̘̘̟̺̠̘͍̪̬̼͖͉̹͓͟͞͡ ̶̸͈̱̞̥͔̲͇͟e̡̝̼͚̠̲̗̰̹̬̥͓̭̥̺̱x͏̧̦͙̠̯͙͍̻̻̲̠́͢į̰̞̻̝̲͙̰͇̫͉͕̙̺͉̻s҉̴̸̢̛̱̳͎̳̗̦̖̲͚̞t͡҉̭̖̺̖̱̝̱̺̮̰̦͖̯̫̯è̛͈͓̭̘̥͎̻̙͉̥̥͚̻͎̕ń̖͓̦͎̱͍̗̜͎͉̜͖̼̞̕ͅc̵̲̹̯̬͚̦̙̞̤͔̹̻̠̣͓̩͙͔͙͘͠͞͞e̵̙̗͉̣͙̬͟͞.̷̸͕̰͉̤͕̙̰
twitch chat
December 2018

My son won't stop using "TwitchSpeak?

My son (14) watches a lot of video game streamers on Twitch.tv. I personally don't find them entertaining but I can understand why some people (like my son) do. Over the past month he's starting using terms like "pog", "jabaited", and "Kappa" which I guess are terms that are used in the scope of Twitch. I don't have an issue with my son using these terms but it's gotten to the point where every sentence is Twitchspeak. We were having dinner and my daughter (age 12) was talking about how she got accepted for a summer program with the local animal shelter, and my son said "Pog you, easy clap". I told him that it was getting out of hand and that he would have to communicate normally to his parents and family. To that he said "Weird champ, feels weird man, normies omega LOL." Until he learns to communicate like a normal human being I've blacklisted Twitch from the internet for the time being. He's hysterical now but I told him that I would unblacklist it if he stopped using twitchspeak, but he's refusing to stop so for now it's banned. AITA?
May 2019

Classic

Am I The Asshole?

Baconator Jr. really has my boyhood trembling

twitchquotes: Christ Almighty, the Baconator Jr. really has my boyhood trembling. The crisp, Smokey bacon atop that seductive, square beef patty. What is there not to adore? And not to mention the smooth, melted cheese, and paired with fries and a frosty, you’ll be soaking through your chef’s apron in no time. Truly a masterpiece. A steamy, moist, delicious masterpiece.
twitch chat
April 2019
NairoMK

No mods

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ascii art
January 2019

MODS

My attraction for Thijs is purely platonic

twitchquotes: My attraction for Thijs is purely platonic. I want to wake up and smell his hazel hair pressed up against my cheek, then get up and make a delicious breakfast for us before I go off to work. Then when I get home I will play Hearthstone with him until we fall asleep together, holding hands and whispering each other's name
twitch chat
January 2019
Thijs
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