[Copypasta] Listen to me, chat. You have a problem

twitchquotes: Listen to me, chat. You have a problem. We both know you're depressed, anxious, and unhealthy in general. You spend all day on Twitch enjoying games vicariously through others and spamming copypastas in chat. This has to stop. I'm asking you NOT to copy and paste this message, but go outside for a change. Get a new hobby. Make some friends. Turn over a new leaf. It's your only hope at this point.
twitch chat
April 2018
I used to be a real ad
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Popsicle burglaries

twitchquotes: Local police are baffled by a string of strange popsicle burglaries that have taken place over the past few days. The thief appears to be ignoring cash, jewelry, and other valuables, only taking sugary treats from the residents' freezers. Police have yet to apprehend the burglar, but have several reports of a suspicious lanky figure with poor hygiene seen near the crime scenes muttering about "value." Any further information on the popsicle bandit should be reported immediately.
twitch chat
August 2016
Kripp

SPAM THIS ANT

twitchquotes: SPAM ๐Ÿœ THIS ๐Ÿœ ANT ๐Ÿœ TO ๐Ÿœ SPAM ๐Ÿœ AN ๐Ÿœ ANT
twitch chat
May 2019

Rhyme Chant

Joe Biden eat hot chip and lie

twitchquotes: He lets out a sigh and then a plastic smile. โ€œUnder the Biden administration,โ€ he says, carefully โ€œThere will be a few new rules. It will be forbidden to cook,โ€ The crowd gasps. โ€œEveryone will have to eat McDonalds,โ€ Jill hangs her head in shame. โ€œYou may have to charge your phone. You may have to twerk. Hell, you may even have to be bisexual.โ€ An uproar starts in the crowd, but Biden ushers a silence with his next words โ€œBut it will all be worth it when we as a people can eat hot chip and lie. Thank you.โ€ Biden leaves the podium to a thunderous applause. America is saved.
twitch chat
November 2020

To be fair, you need a very high IQ to understand The Bible

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand The Bible. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Jesusโ€™s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike The Bible truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Godโ€™s existential catchphrase "Never trust anyone completely but God." which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as King James's genius wit unfolds itself on the pages. What fools.. how I pity them. ๐Ÿ˜‚ And yes by the way, I DO have a Bible tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.
August 2021

Vegan Propaganda

twitchquotes: KKona Howdy Kripp, my name is Bill and I work in the meat industry. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of all the vegan propaganda you're spreading on this here livestream. You rave about the health benefits of becoming a leaf-muncher, but look at you! You're a pale, scrawny, hallowed-out husk of a man. Hell, you probably can't even lift up a hamburger with those pitiful arms of yours. If you don't stop hating on meat, I'm gonna come by in my truck and force-feed you my "giant sausage!"
twitch chat
July 2016
Kripp

Classic

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